Getting Along with Teachers

WHAT’S GOING ON?

A big part of the work of childhood is learning to regulate oneself socially and relate to other people, including authority figures. This ability helps us build rich and productive social and working relationships throughout life. In fact, children who display social competence in childhood have been found to have greater long-term well-being, including higher education attainment and better paying jobs.

Children develop best within a structure of warm and legitimate authority. This is true in the family in the early years, and, as their social world expands outside the family, in school as well. Let's break this down:

Warm – Your child needs to feel seen, liked, and valued as an individual, not just for doing well or being "good."
Legitimate – Children accept limits set or demands made by authority figures when they are perceived to be in the interests of safety, well-being and treating others well. "Legitimacy" may also depend on the jurisdiction of each adult. So they might accept feedback on their spelling from a teacher more readily than from a parent, but might balk at a teacher trying to regulate their social habits. And, kids also frequently perceive matters of personal choice – such as hair style, dress, friends, and leisure pursuits – to be outside legitimate authority.
Authority – Even if they push against it, children need a caring adult to take authority (to literally be the "grownup in the room.") Kids' anxiety goes up when the adults around them do not have authority, because on some level kids know they're not ready to manage things.

In the classroom, the teacher is the authority figure, and your child wants to feel seen, valued and liked by the teacher, and that the teacher is exercising authority with their wellbeing in mind. Kids who feel seen and connected to their teacher are more likely to behave well and do well at their work.

When children have issues with a teacher or rules at school, it is usually the case that the warmth and positive regard is missing from the relationship, and it has turned into a power struggle about getting a child to behave or submit to the rules.

As a parent, it's a good idea to do what you can to help the support the relationship between your child and their teacher – both the aspects of warmth and authority. Read on for ways to do that.

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