Research-based ideas for parents to connect and support your kids' development
In the past, parenting philosophies were highly subjective, influenced by popular doctors or authors. When it came down to it, most people parented as they themselves were parented.
However over the past three decades, a wealth of research in the Behavioral Sciences has revealed a clearer picture of the parenting style and strategies that support optimal child development. Children parented this way tend to develop:
positive self-esteem
resilience in the face of challenges
effective ways to manage their emotions
self-motivation to pursuit their goals
and — perhaps most critically — the ability to form positive and secure relationships
This large body of scientific findings can be organized around two pillars. To grow optimally children need a deep sense of being Lovable, and a growing sense of being Competent. Children develop this sense of themselves through parenting practices that are both highly empathic and connected on the one hand, yet empower through the right amount of structure and challenge on the other.
This may sound simple in the abstract, yet in the real world it can feel very complicated, as children face challenges and parents try to respond in the heat of the moment under a variety of circumstances.
A parent’s empathic attunement could be called the fundamental ingredient. When parents are able to attune by listening, seeing, and accepting, it builds the child's deep sense of lovability and worth. Empathic attunement also helps build competency, because it leads the parent to know which challenges their child can and cannot manage in each moment and situation. Each successfully managed challenge promotes feelings of competency and each failed challenge decreases a child's belief in their abilities. And to complete this positive circle, when a child experiences their parents knowing them well enough to consistently place them in situations for which they are well suited, this reinforces feelings of being lovingly seen and known.
In addition to simply knowing and loving your kids for who they are (Connection), you must also challenging them in ways that help them grow (Empowerment). Empowerment involves finding the right balance between providing structure and support when they need it, and challenge and autonomy when they're ready for it. This is always a dance, because your child's capacity for challenge can change on different days and contexts. It is the first pillar of attunement, that allows you tune in and figure out what is needed at each time.
Heinz Kohut, the father of the field of psychology know has Self-Psychology warns the outcomes of consistently expecting too much or too little of a child have the exact same outcome: fundamental enfeeblement. In other words, it is a parents ability to hit that sweet spot between support and challenge that empowers a child to thrive and avoid debilitating feelings of vulnerability and anxiety.
Within our weekly Postcards and Office Hours we will continually return to both the developmental sciences and the wisdom of the heart, to help you find the balance of Connection and Empowerment in each of the situations that family life throws at you.
A parent’s empathic attunement could be called the fundamental ingredient. When parents are able to attune by listening, seeing, and accepting, it builds the child's deep sense of lovability and worth. Empathic attunement also helps build competency, because it leads the parent to know which challenges their child can and cannot manage in each moment and situation. Each successfully managed challenge promotes feelings of competency and each failed challenge decreases a child's belief in their abilities. And to complete this positive circle, when a child experiences their parents knowing them well enough to consistently place them in situations for which they are well suited, this reinforces feelings of being lovingly seen and known.
In addition to simply knowing and loving your kids for who they are (Connection), you must also challenging them in ways that help them grow (Empowerment). Empowerment involves finding the right balance between providing structure and support when they need it, and challenge and autonomy when they're ready for it. This is always a dance, because your child's capacity for challenge can change on different days and contexts. It is the first pillar of attunement, that allows you tune in and figure out what is needed at each time.
Heinz Kohut, the father of the field of psychology know has Self-Psychology warns the outcomes of consistently expecting too much or too little of a child have the exact same outcome: fundamental enfeeblement. In other words, it is a parents ability to hit that sweet spot between support and challenge that empowers a child to thrive and avoid debilitating feelings of vulnerability and anxiety.
We recommend a 4 step process when approaching any issue with your child:
1. KNOW
Knowing what the scientific research says about each topic is an important foundation to help you feel confident that you're doing the right thing.
2. CONNECT
With this knowledge, you can tune in with your child, seeking to understand what they're thinking and feeling, and connect emotionally.
3. EMPOWER
Once you are attuned, you can empower your child to meet the challenge of the moment – whether by offering structure or support to help them, or greater autonomy or challenge.
4. SELF-CARE.
It is also essential to check in with your own feelings and reactions to your interactions with your child, finding ways to process or let off feelings that may be triggered for you.
Within our weekly Postcards and Office Hours we will continually return to both the developmental sciences and the wisdom of the heart, to help you find the balance of Connection and Empowerment in each of the situations that family life throws at you.
Many ingredients go into providing a healthy and nurturing environment for your children, and every parent and family has its own special mix. Whatever your style, however, your parenting has the potential to instill two core self-beliefs in your child, which are the foundations for lifelong thriving in almost every area. These beliefs are "I am lovable," and "I am capable."
The parenting that leads kids to develop these self-beliefs is emotionally connected and responsive, on the one hand, while providing empowerment through the right balance of structure and challenge, on the other. We call these two dimensions of great parenting Connection and Empowerment.
This gauges above show where you land on these two key dimensions, based on the answers you provided. The green zone on each gauges is the optimal area. With Connection, more is better. However, with Empowerment, the sweet spot is a balance between supportive structure and challenge, depending on your child's capability in each situation.
Hitting the mark in both Connection and Empowerment in daily parenting situations is not easy, and requires a variety of parenting practices that most of us were not taught! Postcards for Parents is designed to teach and demonstrate these skills, in bite-size pieces, in the context of relevant issues for your child's age and stage.
You care deeply about your child and put a lot of work into your family, but parenting sometimes feels like a thankless job of keeping everything in line.
Your strengths are in providing structure for your children, such as routines and rules. You build a home life that is consistent and secure. You tend to value traditions, respect for elders and authority, and loyalty to your communities, and you hold high standards for performance and behavior. Your children benefit from clear expectations and group belonging – well done.
While children need a sense of structure and to know that somebody is in control, Sergeant parents can sometimes go too far in this direction. Research has shown that kids develop best with a medium amount of parental control. They need opportunities to exert their own autonomy, to be treated warmly, and have their feelings seen and valued even when they differ somewhat from their parents. Through the Postcards, we'll discuss how to try get this balance right in each parenting scenario.
Lastly, remember that making time to care for your own needs is a really important part of being able to care for your family. Parenting is hard work and can trigger big feelings at times. Though it may feel frivolous, taking a warm and kind stance toward yourself will be positive for your whole family.
Parenting in this day and age is like running a marathon while juggling 20 balls at once. Meeting the daily needs of your family, while also attending to your work life, planning for the future, and trying to carve out any time for yourself is a super-human task. Yet you wake up and give it your best shot every day, and you deserve a huge round of applause and appreciation!
Parenting can also be very confusing these days. You put effort into not only meeting your child's physical needs, but thinking about their emotional needs and providing opportunities to set them up for a good future. But sometimes the roadmap is unclear, and there are sticky points with your child that cause distress all around. You may find yourself trying one strategy one day, and another the next, and being unsure what really "works."
The good news is that, based on your answers, you are providing a medium amount of structure and autonomy, which is a good balance. And you are able to be emotionally attuned to a good deal of the time, though maybe less than you wish. This is natural, as we all have our good and bad days. Throughout the Postcards, we'll discuss ways to get the right balance for your family in each parenting scenario.
Lastly, remember that making time to care for your own needs is also an important part of being able to care for your family. Parenting is hard work and can trigger big feelings at times. When you can take a warm and kind stance toward yourself, it will be positive for your whole family.
Well done! Parenting in this day and age is like running a marathon while juggling 20 balls at once – but somehow you manage to do it with grace. Based on your answers, you are providing a warm and loving relationship and a well structured environment, which is optimal for your child's development.
Gardener parents have a strong capacity for empathy, and you intuitively 'get' and value your child's thoughts and feelings. Often you don't need much overt communication with your child to know what they want and need, and this makes them feel deeply known, accepted, and lovable.
Gardener parents are also generally well organized, which allows your child to experience the world as predictable and secure. For the most part you are able to uphold boundaries and structure with gentleness, if not playfulness, while maintaining (most of the time) a positive connection. And through attunement, you also understand when your child needs more autonomy or control. Throughout the Postcards, we'll discuss finding this balance of connection and empowerment in each parenting scenario, in the way that works for your family.
Lastly, remember that making time to care for your own needs is important! Parenting is hard work and triggers big feelings at times. Taking a warm and compassionate stance toward yourself is positive for your whole family.
Parenting in this day and age is like running a marathon while juggling 20 balls at once. You are great at playing ball, but the logistics of keeping everything in the air can sometimes be overwhelming.
Friend parents tend to be warm and fun, and have a strong capacity for empathy. This gives your child the very important sense of being valued and lovable. Yet along with this playfulness and connection, you are not always so organized. Your child may be late for activities, or arrive without some needed items. Structure at home (i.e. rules, bedtime, meals…) is adequate but not terribly consistent, and you may find it easier to focus on what your child wants than what they need. Sometimes, however, the lack of structure or planning leads to frustrating situations, and you may suddenly blow your top with your child more than you wish.
The good news is that your capacity for connection and playfulness is a priceless gift, and structure is something you can work toward. Throughout the Postcards, we'll discuss hitting the right balance for your family in each parenting scenario.
Lastly, remember to take time to care for your own needs! Parenting is hard work and triggers big feelings at times. When you can take a warm stance toward yourself and get support that you need, it is positive for your whole family.
Parenting is like running a marathon... while carrying small human(s) on your back. It is difficult and constant, and meeting all the needs of your children can sometimes feel like too much to handle. Yet you love your children very much, and you wake up every day to keep on trying. Well done for your effort, and for being here to learn some new tools.
According to your answers, your kids often feel like a mystery to you. It's hard to understand where their wants and behavior comes from, often leading to emotional blow-ups. You may have come out of a difficult childhood yourself, without many positive role models to show you how to parent well.
You also don't have enough structure or support that you can lean on for help. When stressful life events happen, there's not a lot of cushion for you to fall back on. All these factors too often make parenting discouraging and exhausting.
We hope that the Postcards can be a helpful resource for you, and also encourage you to get live, personal help to ease some of your burden. You are your child’s most important resource, and getting some of your needs met will be good for your whole family.
Parenting in this day and age can be an intense endeavor. The stakes are high, and you know that how you parent – both how you relate and the opportunities you provide – have an important long term impact for your child. You put a lot of effort into parenting, and your child knows that you care.
Based on your answers, you are very good at providing structure and challenge, and research shows these are two of the ingredients that go into developing high competency and academic achievement. It may be a little more difficult for you to pair this drive with empathic attunement, allowing for a more full understanding of your child's experience and point of view. Though you have more experience than your child and know what’s best for them, the lessons they will learn from exercising their own autonomy and control are equally essential for development.
Throughout the Postcards, we'll discuss ways to find a balance between connection and empowerment in each parenting scenario.
Lastly, remember to take time to care for your own needs. Parenting is hard work and triggers big feelings at times. When you can take a warm stance toward yourself, it is positive for your whole family.
In parenting, connection happens when we're able to attune to our child's inner world, and empathize with their experience. It happens on a mostly non-verbal level, when we make eye contact or physical contact, and when we make a perspective shift to genuinely understand where they're coming from, so that they 'feel felt.' It happens when we play together, go back and forth in a reciprocal exchange, enjoy each other, and loose ourselves in a moment together. Connection often requires some relaxed time together without another agenda.
LOW
Like many parents, you may have trouble understanding your child's behavior and attuning to the emotions underneath that drive it. Many parents feel that proper behavior is the priority, and that children should get over their irrational feelings. But, it usually works the other way around. Children very much want to do well, and when they act out it means they're feeling unvalued by the people around them, or they are unable to to meet the expectations being placed on them.
It can be very challenging – especially when your buttons are being pushed – to look past bad behavior and try to attune with your child's point of view, but this will frequently lead to better behavior in the long run. Checking in with your child on a regular basis (in unheated moments) about their experience, and making them feel understood and respected, is incredibly important. The Postcards will provide many examples of ways to do this.
HIGH
You are very well-attuned to your child's emotions and needs, and this is the very most important thing that will help them grow up feeling deeply loved and seen. You are usually able to look past their behavior to see the feelings underneath, and it is second nature for you to consider things from your child's point of view.
As you know, your child wants to do well, and when they act out it means they're feeling unvalued by the people around them, or are unable to to meet the expectations being placed on them. You are generally able to overcome your own triggers and tune in with your child's point of view, and you are rewarded for this with a warm and connected relationship, and better behavior in general. Keep up the great work making them feel understood and respected!
MEDIUM
You are reasonably well-attuned to your child's emotions and needs, and are sometimes able to look past their behavior to try to find the feelings driving it underneath. Despite the rush of modern family life and confusing signals, you do sometimes make an effort to see things from your child's point of view.
Remember that children very much want to do well, and when they act out it means they're feeling unvalued by the people around them, or are unable to to meet the expectations being placed on them. It can be very challenging (especially when your buttons are being pushed) to look past bad behavior and try to attune with your child's point of view, but this will frequently lead to better behavior in the long run. Checking in with your child on a regular basis (in unheated moments) about their experience, and making them feel understood and respected, is a good way to build up attunement. This becomes very helpful in heated moments. The Postcards will provide many suggestions for ways to do this.
LOW
Parenting, especially in today's world, is incredibly demanding, and it's often hard enough to get through the daily routine and meet our kids needs. Playfulness and fun may seem like they're unnecessary, frivolous, or just feel like more work for you. But they are in fact also an important part of the "work" of childhood. Not only does your child need to play, but they need dedicated time on a regular basis with you, for fun, play and warmth.
Play has been shown to increase kids’ social and emotional skills and work through issues that are confusing or troubling them. Warm fun – especially with you – reduces stress, feels good, and is powerful for relationship bonding. As you receive the Postcards, try adding play to your interactions, even in tiny steps. You may be surprised at how good it feels once you do it (like going to gym), and it often makes routines and transitions easier as well.
HIGH
Parenting, especially in today's world, is incredibly demanding, and it's often hard enough to get through the daily routine and meet our kids needs. Nevertheless, you manage to find time and energy for playfulness, fun, and unstructured time with your child, and this is so important! Simply being with them and taking joy in them is the glue that binds us. As you know, play is in fact an important part of the "work" of childhood. Not only does your child need to play, but they need dedicated time on a regular basis with you, for fun, play and warmth.
Play has been shown to increase kids’ social and emotional skills and work through issues that are confusing or troubling them. Warm fun – especially with you – reduces stress, feels good, and is powerful for relationship bonding. Well done for making warm, playful interactions part of your daily routine. As you receive the Postcards, you may find even more ways to insert play into daily life, leading to even more good feelings and smoother routines and transitions.
MEDIUM
Parenting, especially in today's world, is incredibly demanding, and it's often hard enough to get through the daily routine and meet our kids needs. Nevertheless, playfulness, fun, and unstructured time with our kids – simply being with them and taking joy in them – are the glue that binds us, and you manage to make some time to prioritize this. Good for you! You likely recognize that play is in fact an important part of the "work" of childhood. Not only does your child need to play, but they need dedicated time on a regular basis with you, for fun, play and warmth.
Play has been shown to increase kids’ social and emotional skills and work through issues that are confusing or troubling them. Warm fun – especially with you – reduces stress, feels good, and is powerful for relationship bonding. As you receive the Postcards, try increase the play in your everyday together. Challenge yourself to respond to daily situations with play. You may be surprised at how good it feels, and how it often makes routines and transitions easier as well.
LOW
Some people naturally keep their thoughts and feelings more inside, and others are more expressive. Both can fine, as long as you express warmth, caring and approval to your child on a regular basis, so that they always know how much you love them. It has been estimated that to keep a relationship in good shape, positive communications need to outnumber negative communications 5 to 1. If your communications tend toward the negative, such as scolding and criticizing, over time your child will internalize that they are not as lovable or competent as is best for them to feel. These negative self-beliefs become an impediment to thriving and feeling good in the world.
When adding in more positive communications, try to be on the lookout for and compliment specific things your child does or says that impact another person positively or show a character strength. Also try to take opportunities to celebrate wins (big and small) together, and share stories from your family's life. We'll talk about all these things in upcoming Postcards.
HIGH
You tend to be a good communicator, and find ways to express your warmth, caring and approval to your child on a regular basis. This really helps them develop a deep sense of lovability! It has been estimated that in loving relationships, positive communications need to outnumber negative communications 5 to 1. While this can be a hard ratio to hit, you're doing a great job!
Try to be mindful of the times you scold, try to also find a strength or something positive to compliment. And while praise is wonderful, remember to make it specific, watching for specific things to commend, such as times when impact another person positively or show a character strength. And remember to celebrate wins (big and small) together and share stories from your family's life. We'll talk about all these things in upcoming Postcards.
MEDIUM
Some people naturally keep their thoughts and feelings more inside, and others are more expressive. Both are fine, as long as you express enough warmth, caring and approval to your child on a regular basis, so that they always know how much you love them. It has been estimated that to keep a relationship in good shape, positive communications need to outnumber negative communications 5 to 1. This can be a hard ratio to hit!
Try to be mindful of the times you scold or criticize, and preface your negative comments with a something positive. Also be on the lookout all the time for specific things your child does or says that you can compliment, such as times when impact another person positively or show a character strength. Also try to take opportunities to celebrate wins (big and small) together and share stories from your family's life. We'll talk about all these things in upcoming Postcards.
LOW
Many of us grew up with parents or caregivers who demanded that children respect authority unquestioningly, sometimes with harsh consequences, and this is the pattern that we tend towards. And it is true that parents do need to be the ultimate authority in the household, set the course for the family, and be able to set firm limits. However, this should be done through a warm and attuned and respectful leadership style. Kids do best when they feel they are consulted and their preferences and feelings are taken into account in family decisions.
When parents consult their kids on decisions, and work together to find win-win solutions, they're often pleasantly surprised that a) their kids have some good ideas to contribute to the discussion, and b) implementation goes much better because the kids are 'bought in.' We'll discuss this process a lot in your weekly Postcards.
HIGH
In terms of making decisions for your child and family, you're generally very democratic! Trusting your kids and letting them develop agency in this way is an admirable practice.
At the same time, hopefully you know that parents need to be the ultimate authority in the household, chart the course for the family, and set limits when necessary. When parents are able to strike this balance, of warm and attuned leadership, while consulting their kids and and co-creating plans together, kids really thrive. As you know, it often turns out that your kids have really good ideas to contribute to the discussion. Plus, implementation goes much better because the kids are 'bought in.' Well done.
MEDIUM
In terms of making decisions for your child and family as a whole, sometimes you make them unilaterally and sometimes you consult your child. The balance here can be a tricky one to get right. Parents need to be the ultimate authority in the household, chart the course for the family, and set limits when necessary. But, this works best as a very warm and attuned leadership. Kids do best when they feel they are consulted and their preferences and feelings are taken into account in family decisions.
When parents make a habit of consulting their kids, and working together to find win-win solutions, they're often pleasantly surprised that a) their kids have some great ideas to contribute to the discussion, and b) implementation goes much better because the kids are 'bought in.' We'll discuss this process a lot in your weekly Postcards.
Empowerment entails providing enough organization and structure so that kids can start to master their world, with evolving levels of challenge and autonomy. We have to attune to understand their current capability, and then provide the right mix of structure and challenge, support, and autonomy.
LOW
You sometimes find it hard to set and hold limits with your child. You may 'give in' to your child's demands, even when you might not feel it's right; or shy away from setting a limit when you think it will lead to a fuss. However, research shows that being able to hold reasonable limits in a loving way, even when they upset your child, is an important part of providing safe structure and providing enough challenge for them to grow. Know that over time the limits that you set will become the ones they internalize as self-discipline. Children who grow up with too much permissiveness can become insecure due to the lack of boundaries and guidance, and sometimes struggle with more responsibility than they're ready for.
When setting a limit, it is always helpful to know why you're doing it and explain your reason. Also you'll sometimes need to accept the strong feelings that your child has about the limit. Over time, your ability to set limits and remain calm and loving, even when they have an adverse reaction, will help them learn to manage their own emotions better. And, even when they've been told 'no', if they feel empathy from you, they are more likely to cooperate, be honest with you, and follow your family’s norms even when they are not being monitored.
MEDIUM
You are generally able to set firm but loving limits with your child. Research shows that being able to hold reasonable limits in a loving way, even when they upset your child, is an important part of providing the safe structure that guides them toward growth. Know that over time the limits that you set will become the ones they internalize.
It can helpful to explain the reasons behind your limit, and also to be willing to accept that feelings that your child may have about the limit. Over time, your ability to set limits and remain calm and loving even if they have an adverse reaction, will help them learn to manage their own emotions better. And, even when they're told 'no', if they feel their needs have been taken into account by a parent, kids are more likely to cooperate, be honest with parents, and follow your family’s norms even when they are not being monitored.
HIGH
You are comfortable setting limits with your child, and this is important for their development. Limits help kids stay and feel safe, and over time the limits that you set will become the ones they internalize.
However, do try to be sure that your limits are based on the needs of the situation, rather than for the sake of asserting your order and authority. When hand of authority feels overly heavy and not attuned to a child's perspective, this can either elicit shame, and squashing their growth of autonomy and personal power; or it can elicit anger and a growing defiance.
Research has found that children develop best, and learn to manage their own emotions better, with a medium amount of parental control. And, when they feel their needs are taken into account by a parent, they are more likely to cooperate, be honest with parents, and follow the family’s norms even when they are not being monitored.
LOW
In terms of setting rules and schedules and sticking to them, you are somewhat permissive. Being able to go with the flow and respond to the needs of the moment is a great attribute, and you are helping your children practice flexibility. However, learning to make a plan and stick to it, as well as sometimes delay gratification, are also very important skills to develop in childhood. These will help your child formulate and accomplish their long term goals.
To the extent possible, creating a structure based on your family’s values and goals, and sticking to it with moderate room for spontaneity, is the balance to aim for.
MEDIUM
Structure and routine are very helpful for kids, and according to your responses, you provide a good amount of this. Research shows that a medium amount of control, with some flexibility in attunement with your child's needs and the situation, is actually the best balance.
Think about structure and routine as secret weapons to lean on in times of transition or heightened stress (such as a move, or new school year). But also know that when a routine is disrupted, you have other methods of soothing and connecting to increase the sense of safety and wellbeing for both of you.
HIGH
Structure and routine are essential for kids, and according to your responses, you are good at providing this. Keep in mind that a medium amount of control – with some room for flexibility depending on the situation and your child's needs – is the balance to strive for.
If there are times, which can happen easily during stress, when your tendency toward structure becomes overly rigid, try to allow yourself to loosen up. Gather a set of other methods for soothing yourself and restoring attunement with your child, so that you can both gain comfort from your connection.
HIGH
You have great expectations for your child, and research shows that this is a good thing - up to a point. Academic achievement rises with parents involvement and expectations. And, completing challenging tasks is a primary way that kids build a sense of competence and self-esteem. (Conversely, when expectations are lowered so as not to make kids ‘feel bad,’ the message they get is that they're not competent enough to do it.) However, there are a few caveats. High expectations boost achievement, but unrealistically high expectations damage achievement (as well as self-esteem). Your child will feel like they're trying to please you, but it's never going to be possible. And secondly, mental health suffers when there’s too much pressure. Surveys and studies show that academic pressure is a big part of the reason for rises in teen anxiety, depression, and related issues such as sleep problems and substance abuse.
The bottom line is that kids benefit from being pushed to develop their talents and interests, with some extra encouragement to keep going when it’s challenging. But they suffer when pressured to reach goals that are unrealistic or which don’t genuinely interest them. Your child needs to always feel innately loved by you, regardless of their performance in school, sports, or any other arena.
LOW
You don't like to place extra stress and expectations on your child, perhaps feeling that the world is stressful enough or they won't be up to the task. And it is true that too much parental pressure can lead to mental health issues and decreased academic performance. Kids need to feel internally motivated for the task they take on, and that their goals are achievable.
But, completing challenging tasks is a primary way that kids build a sense of competence and self-esteem, and when expectations are too low, they can get the message that they're not capable of more. Research also shows that parental involvement and expectations are the most influential factor on student achievement.
The bottom line is that kids benefit from being pushed to develop their talents and interests, with some extra encouragement to keep going when it’s challenging. Most importantly of all, your child needs to always feel innately loved by you, regardless of their performance in school, sports, or any other arena.
MEDIUM
You have medium expectations for your child, tempered by an awareness of the dangers of pressuring them too hard. In general this is a healthy balance.
Completing challenging tasks is a primary way that kids build a sense of competence and self-esteem. (Whereas, when expectations are lowered so as not to make kids ‘feel bad,’ the message they get is that they're not competent enough to do it.) Research also shows that academic achievement rises with parental involvement and expectations, but only up to a point. Unrealistically high expectations actually damage achievement, and can put a big strain on mental health.
So, the bottom line is that kids benefit from being pushed to develop their talents and interests, with some extra encouragement to keep going when it’s challenging. And, most importantly of all, your child needs to always feel innately loved by you, regardless of their performance in school, sports, or any other arena.
LOW
Figuring out how much autonomy to give your child is a tricky balance throughout their childhood and adolescence. As a parent you obviously have more experience and more perspective on the world, and can often make better decisions.
However, allowing your child ample autonomy is necessary for a couple of reasons. Firstly, autonomy is one of the three most basic humans needs (the others are connection and competence). This means that making our own decisions just feels good, just because – regardless of the outcome. Secondly, making decisions and experiencing the natural consequences is how kids learn responsibility and leadership. And thirdly, withholding autonomy has been called "fundamentally enfeebling." When kids grow up without enough chances to make their own decisions, they come to believe they're not capable or worthy of doing so, and it's very bad for their self-esteem.
The amount of autonomy each child needs and can handle changes as they grow. By attuning to your child and the situation, you'll figure it out. And, tuning in to the feelings and fears that come up in you when you think of letting them be more autonomous is a great way to start loosening the reins a bit.
HIGH
Figuring out how much autonomy, vs monitoring and support, to give your child is a tricky balance to get right. Based on your responses, you believe in the "school of life" and grant your child large amounts of freedom.
Autonomy is great for kids. Making our own decisions inherently feels good to people, and it's how kids learn responsibility and leadership. Autonomy can really grow their sense of capability, leadership, and self-determination. However, healthy autonomy must also be coupled with warm connection with you, and the knowledge that you'll be there if they get into a situation they can't handle. Too much autonomy too soon can be very stressful, and make kids grow up too fast, and potentially get into dangerous situations that can lead to lasting trauma.
The amount of autonomy each child needs and can handle changes as they grow. Attuning to your child and the situation, as well as your own feelings around the issue, is the best way to figure it out.
MEDIUM
Figuring out how much autonomy, vs monitoring and support, to give your child takes attunement, trust, and some amount of trial and error to get right. Research shows that a medium amount of autonomy works best, and based on your responses, you're do a great job of getting the balance right. You are involved and sho that you care, while also giving your child room to spread their wings.
Autonomy is great for kids. Making our own decisions inherently feels good to people, and it's how kids learn responsibility and leadership. And, healthy autonomy must also be coupled with warm connection with you, and the knowledge that you'll be there if they get into a situation they can't handle. Too much autonomy too soon can be very stressful, and make kids grow up too fast.
The amount of autonomy each child needs and can handle changes as they grow. Attuning to your child and the situation, as well as your own feelings around the issue, is the best way to figure it out.
When we're stressed we all have less cognitive and emotional resources, and sometimes this gets taken out on our kids in the form of less patience and empathy. Parents need support and self-care to have the resources for ourselves and our kids.
ANXIOUS
When you think about the risks in the world that could affect your child, you have considerable anxiety. This is not surprising given life’s uncertainty, as well as media’s relentless focus on scary stories! A certain amount of vigilance against risk is necessary, and you are good at that. However, it is also important to give our kids a sense that the world is safe, so that they will spread their wings and try out new opportunities.
If your child sees your own intense anxiety, it robs them of their confidence. For this reason, do your best to suppress it when interacting with your child (offload it to your partner or another trusted adult when they are out of earshot). Encourage safe behavior, while also finding opportunities for small and manageable risks to build their confidence. We will provide suggestions for striking this balance throughout the Postcards.
SECURE
In line with your own sense of competence and control in the world, you are confident your child is getting what they need to build a good life. Trying new things, taking manageable risks, and practicing autonomy are essential because that's how your child grows a sense of confidence and capability. Your confidence and sense of calm provides her with the support and safe harbor she needs, while allowing her to develop autonomy.
Balancing safety with letting go is one of the core dances of parenting, and you've got great moves!
MEDIUM
You are reasonably confident that your child is getting what they need to succeed in the world. Though you may not always feel certain, on the whole you manage to balance the uncertainty and dangers in the world, with providing a sense of safety. Balancing safety with letting go is one of the most difficult dances in parenting. Trying new things, taking manageable risks, and practicing autonomy are essential because that's how your child grows a sense of confidence and capability. A strong, supportive relationship with you will give them to confidence to make these leaps.
HIGH
Parenting is incredibly demanding, and the day-to-day can sometimes be overwhelming for anybody. Nevertheless, you manage to keep sight of what a wonder your child is, and feel joy with them. The more your child know this and feels your enjoyment of them, the more they come to see themself as lovable a worthy. You've got a very positive cycle going – good for you!
LOW
Parenting is incredibly demanding, and the day to day overwhelm can make everything feel like a struggle. Though you know deep down what a wonder your child is, it's pretty hard to keep this in mind amid the daily challenges.
The more you can feel and express your joy – in your child, in being with them, and who they are – will do wonders for your little one. The truth is that no one ever gets to the bottom of their to-do list, or ever has everything under control. Grabbing hold of the joy you can feel in your child at every age will only improve life's other trials.
MEDIUM
Parenting is incredibly demanding, and the day-to-day can be overwhelming for anybody. However, you are sometimes able to lift your head from the grind, and remember what a wonder what a wonder your child is. Good for you.
The more you can feel and express your joy – in your child, in being with them, and who they are – will do wonders for your little one. The truth is that no one ever gets to the bottom of their to-do list, or ever has everything under control. Grabbing hold of the joy you can feel in your child at every age will only improve life's other trials.
HIGH
Hats off to you! Even when your child is pushing all your buttons, you somehow manage to keep your head on and not take the bait. This speaks to a lot of mindfulness on your part, and you have likely worked on identifying and overcoming your triggers.
Parenting is the opportunity not only to nurture and care for your child, but also to nurture and heal from losses and disappointments of your own childhood. Be kind to yourself along the way, and know what the more resourced you are, the better you can be for your whole family.
LOW
You may find yourself yelling more than you like with your child. Or, you may feel perfectly justified when you do yell at or punish your child. While it's is very normal to be triggered by our kids, keep in mind that reacting with explosions or harshness is not good for your kids' development. Frequently, triggers have more to do with your own childhood and unresolved traumas than with the actual behavior of your child. They will learn to tiptoe around your issues, and likely repeat them in some way.
To the extend possible, try to see the triggers as signposts of where you need to offload some feelings or old baggage, and find another adult, a mindfulness practice, or a good journal to explore your feelings away from your child.
MEDIUM
Like most of us, you lose your temper now and then with your kids. This is normal, despite our best intentions. Kids have a way of setting off our triggers, and can make us go from 0 to 60 before we know what happened. While this is very normal, keep in mind that it's not ideal for your child when it happens. Usually your triggers have more to do with your own childhood and unresolved traumas than with the actual behavior of your child. They will learn to tiptoe around your issues, and likely duplicate your sensitivities in some way.
To the extend possible, try to see the triggers as a guidepost of where you need to offload some feelings or old baggage, and find another adult, a mindfulness practice, or a good journal to explore your feelings away from your child. If you ever do react more harshly that you'd like, make sure to sincerely repair and make amends with your child wen you are calm again.
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