It may sound obvious, but every time you’re triggered into automatic rage or panic, you've just been shown what elicits those feelings in you. If there’s a silver lining to being triggered by our kids, it’s that we can start to bring them out into the light. Wouldn't it be nice not to have those buttons be quite so automatic?
It can be illuminating to make a list of the things that trigger you, and then journal about them. You can also discuss with a friend, listening partner, or therapist. Look for patterns, and the underlying fears that come up for you in these situations.
As an example, somebody who feels hurt and disrespected when their child disobeys a direct command, might ask some new questions about the situation, such as:
“Was my request really necessary, or did it just upset me to be ignored?”
“How did I feel as a kid, knowing I’d be punished unless I obeyed? Is that what I want to for my kids?”
“Why is it so threatening if they don’t listen? Maybe I can have more confidence in my authority than that.”
Also consider whether you need to build more self-care into your routines. Regular exercize, getting enough sleep, healthy food and drink, regular journalling or getting listened to, all help keep your resources up to better deal with triggers and stressors.
This process of understanding your triggers will create a sliver of space between the trigger and your reaction, which can be enough for you to decide how you want to react.