Storytelling

You probably know that reading to your children has many benefits, including language development, emotional development, and bonding with you.

In addition, the stories you don’t have to read, but can just tell – about yourself, your family history, and your kiddo's earlier years –have some special super powers over and above other stories. The family is the original unit of socialization for children, and we take the patterns of interaction and emotional imprinting from our families with us into the rest of our lives. Family stories are so important because they help your kids feel a part of something and help them understand what their group is all about. Family stories influence a child's basic narrative and sense of identity, and how stories are told in the family also influence kiddos' sense agency and self-esteem.

One seminal study found that kids who know more about their family history displayed a stronger sense of control over their lives, higher self-esteem and believed their families functioned better. In fact, knowing stories about family history turned out the be the single best predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness! Dr. Duke, one of the researchers, attributed this to having a strong “intergenerational self” – when children know they belong to something bigger than themselves.

1. Start with the “Do You Know” stories

Stories about family history are especially highly correlated with emotional health and wellbeing for children (as discovered by Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush). Below are some questions to get you started – If there are stories on the list below that you haven't told, work them into the conversation in the near future! Do you know:

how your parents met?
where your mother grew up? where your father grew up?
where some of your grandparents grew up? where some of your grandparents met?
where your parents were married?
what went on when you were being born?
the source of your name?
what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?
some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?
some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?
the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc.)?
some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
some awards that your parents received when they were young?
the names of the schools that your mom went to? the names of the schools that your dad went to?

2. Use collaborative storytelling

Research has found that families who tell stories in a collaborative manner have kids with higher self-esteem (and the effect is especially pronounced for girls.) To do this, think about a shared experiences, and let all family members take turns telling the story from their own perspective. Listen and validate the perspective of each family member, and then as the parent, weave and incorporate them together into a more complex, master narrative. Once you try this, you’ll likely appreciate the richer overall narrative that results!

3. Find new stories

Sometimes when kids beg you to “Tell me a story!” it can feel difficult and tiring to come up with a new story. However, you almost certainly have more story material than you give yourself credit for, and with a bit of structure can come up with stories without too much work. It can even be fun to have a rapt audience! For example:

Tell your kids to pick an age, and then tell a story about yourself at that age
Share about your childhood experience of whatever they are currently doing (eg. family vacations, summer activities, being bored, etc). Think of all the people in your story as characters in a book or movie, and expound about things that were funny or memorable.
Pick an attribute that is relevant to what you’re doing. Maybe it is “bravery” if that’s what your child needs at camp, or “making new friends” or “exploring.” Think about a time in your life when you developed this attribute, and tell the story about that.
Tell stories about your child’s own younger years. This is always a winner, whether it is “The first friend you made was little Bertie down the street, when you were both in diapers,” or “you have always been an explorer! I remember the time you explored the back yard when you were supposed to be taking a nap!” Etc. These stories give your child their own sense of history and agency, show that you have been paying attention, and display how far they have come.

4. Look for the redemptive story structure

When telling stories with your child about events from your lives, look to guide them into a “redemptive” or “oscillating” story structure.

Redemptive stories tell about confronting bad events and turning them around to be positive. Eg:

“Remember that time we went camping, and there was that terrible microburst storm that flattened our tent… but at least we had a fun adventure together and all got out alive!”

Oscillating narratives track the ups and downs of life episodes over a longer time horizon. Eg:

“Well our family has had its victories and challenges. Things don’t always go according to plan – like that time we planned the great camping trip, only to have our tent flattened by a microburst! – but we always make the best of it and come out with great stories!”

Both these story structures teach kids that events do not always have to go “right” for there to be an overall positive arc to life. They help kids remain positive when the chips are down, and stay tuned for the silver lining to appear.

5. Make an audio recording

Try a recording session with you kiddo, with them narrating a story about their own experience or something you did together. This lets them know the story is so important to you that you want to preserve it, and also lets them practice the role of narrator and storyteller.

Keep these audio recordings in a safe place in your computer files, as you will undoubtedly cherish them in years to come!

6. Write a 3rd person narrative

Third-person narrative is from the vantage point of an omniscient narrator, and uses the pronouns “he,” “she,” and “they.” The narrator describes someone else’s story, often from a neutral or all-knowing perspective.

Studies suggest that reflecting on your life, both in the past and present, as a third-person observer can help you see events and yourself in a more balanced, less emotionally charged way. Have your child write about (or tell you a story as if they were writing, for younger kids) a troubling or complicated event from their lives as told by a third-person narrator. This helps reconstruct a higher-view understanding of their experience and gain new insights, while taking away some of the overwhelm or defensiveness.