Welcome Emotions

The basic purpose of emotions is to guide and motivate us toward our goals and needs. We feel hope and excitement when moving toward something we want or need, positive emotions like elation and pride when we achieve it, and difficult emotions like sadness, anger, and shame when we fail to reach the goal. (1)

While human emotions are incredibly complex, three important things to know about them are:

They originate in our subconscious brain, and travel directly to our body, influencing heart rate, tension, digestion, and more – before our conscious mind has even caught on. It’s been shown that emotional stress leads not only to mental ills, but physical ones including heart disease, intestinal problems, headaches, insomnia and autoimmune disorders. (2)
If emotions are noticed, felt, and processed by the conscious brain, their power dissipates. It’s been shown that people with childhood trauma that is treated can be just as healthy as people without trauma (3); but untreated childhood trauma goes on to cause a host of problems. (4)
If emotions are not processed by the conscious brain, they start to write their to own scripts. In an effort to avoid negative feelings, people will circumscribe their lives and goals, and when they can't avoid bad feelings, attempt to suppress them with a wide range of negative coping habits.

For these reasons, it’s important to be cognizant of how you deal with your child's feelings.

HOW TO DO IT

Emotions can seem inconvenient, overwhelming, just plain wrong, or like an attack on you. They may be all these things, and still: the only way to get out is through them, and if you don't allow, validate and process them now, they will go underground and start writing scripts that will direct your child's life, out of their own conscious control.

1. Talk about feelings

Discuss feelings at all times, especially when they're not running high. This practice build emotional awareness of your child's inner states, as well as empathy for the emotions of others.

Reflect back to your child the emotions you see in them.

"You look a little blue sweetie. Am I seeing that right?"

Talk about how characters in books and shows might be feeling. Ask your child first and then add your observations.

"How would you feel if one of your friends did that to you?!"

Talk about your own feelings, as long as you can keep a controlled demeanor. Eg:

"The bus is late, and am feeling really frustrated!"

2. Staylistening

Staylistening is a tool popularized by Hand In Hand Parenting, and is the practice of staying with, and listening as your child expresses big emotions. Your calm and empathetic presence is a container that makes them feel safe enough to release their emotions, as tears, sweating, shaking, and physical action.

At the bottom of the emotional pile is usually sadness, and free and full crying is extremely effective emotional release. Often, however, sadness may be fiercely protected by anger, and your child's first expression may look like a tantrum, or – even more difficult - attacks on you, a sibling, or others.

Your main task during a staylisten is to try to activate your empathy, keep yourself calm and not reacting to any triggers, to keep everybody safe (eg. hold your child or keep your distance if they're lashing out), and be a listening and accepting presence. You can occasionally make soothing sounds or comments, but primarily your are listening as your child rides the wave of their emotion.

Please know, if you are new to accepting emotions and staylistening, the first times you try it may be very confusing. Your child may have a lot of pent up emotion that comes out as anger, and you may feel confused and triggered, until you've been through it enough times to trust the process. Hand in Hand Parenting a great resource for teaching this tool.

3. Be "mind-minded"

Being mind-minded as a parent means that you seek the reasons behind your child's behavior, i.e. what is going on in their reality that would cause their current behavior.

If they're resisting getting ready in the morning, instead of scolding you might probe as to whether they dread something at school. If they hit a sibling, after expressing that that's not an ok expression, you might seek to get to the bottom of the anger.

Being mind-minded helps you get to a place of empathy, where your child feels safe and you can work on solutions together. It also helps you get to the root of problems, so you can address those instead of constantly fighting the symptoms. Studies have shown that mind-minded parenting leads to securely attached children with greater social intelligence.

4. Develop a mantra for yourself

Being available to attune, validate and empathize with your child's emotions can take a LOT of emotional forbearance on your part. Our kids heated emotions, especially if targeted at you, can be extremely triggering for parents!

Decide how you want to think about your child's big emotions, and their expression, when you are NOT in a heated moment with your child. A go-to thought can help you circumvent the fight or flight response that can easily come up in you when your child is acting their difficult feelings out on you.

For example: