As your child progresses through elementary school and becomes more oriented toward their peers, one dynamic to watch out for is bullying. In recent years there has been more awareness of the harm caused by bullying for all involved. But natural underlying drives – for status, belonging, and power among peers – will continue to foster this behavior.
As a parent, you may not be able to prevent all bullying, but if you respond with trust and compassion for your child, along with appropriate limit setting, you can make a big difference.
Bullying is defined as any type of aggressive behavior, whether physical or verbal, that is used to hurt, intimidate, or gain power over another person.
Though the classic idea of bullying is the physical kind, there are actually many forms of bullying that you should be alert to:
Physical bullying - using physical power to control and humiliate targets, including shoving, tripping, or outright physical attacks. This can be the most obvious form of bullying.
Verbal bullying - includes name-calling or other verbal ways of belittling, demeaning, or humiliating a target.
Relational aggression - aggression wherein kids try to hurt peers by sabotaging their social standing. This can include excluding somebody from a group, spreading rumors, manipulating situations, or breaking confidences.
Cyberbullying - any harassment, threatening, or embarrassment over smartphone or the internet. Examples include posting hurtful images, publicizing personal information, or making threats, insults, or slurs online.
Sexual bullying - targeting a person sexually in any unwanted, intimidating, or humiliating way. Can include name calling, propositioning, gestures, unwanted touch, sexting, shaming after sexual encounters, or more.
Prejudicial bullying - targeting somebody with racist or bigoted stereotypes and prejudices about a person’s race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, ability, body type, or other characteristics.
Anybody can be targeted for bullying, but bullies often seek out victims who stand out or are ‘different’ in some way (even including being especially talented, smart, creative, or popular).
Bullying has harmful effects and can leave emotional scars for everybody involved – the bully, the bullied, and the bystander:
Victims of bullying frequently suffer emotional distress that can lead to reduced self-esteem, trouble maintaining friendships, anxiety, and depression. Unless addressed, these impacts can be long-lasting and lead to physical symptoms as well. And, many bullied kids also start to struggle academically as a result.
Kids who bully are often driven by their own discontent, desire for power, or pain from being bullied by someone more powerful than them (not always a peer—it could be a sibling, parent, or other relative). Kids who bully are more likely to abuse alcohol and other drugs; have behavior issues; drop out of school; engage in early sexual activity; become abusive toward partners and children as adults.
Bystanders, or witnesses to bullying also suffer. They can feel guilt for not intervening, fear of being targeted themselves, and an overall decrease in their sense of social safety. Bystanders show increased use of tobacco, alcohol and drugs; increased depression and anxiety; and decreased academic performance.
In the triad of the bully, the bullied and the bystander, it is actually the bystander (sometimes called an upstander) who has the most power. Because they were not targeted by the bully, they may be able to intervene—by speaking up or seeking an adult to help—and break up the dynamic.
Another thing to know is that kids who are being bullied often suffer in silence rather than reporting it. They usually feel shame and embarrassment, and may feel that reporting it will make the situation worse. For this reason, be on the lookout for signs that can indicate bullying. Probe more deeply if you notice:
Subtle descriptions of bullying (eg. “messing with me” or “being mean”)
Loss of former friends
Increased moodiness, anxiety, or depression
Risky or self-harming behavior
Falling grades and engagement in school
Health complaints like stomachaches or headaches
Disrupted sleeping or eating habits
Change in their routine, or stopping activities they used to enjoy
Lost or damaged possessions
Whether your child is engaging in bullying behavior, is a victim of bullying, or is a bystander, this dynamic causes a lot of stress and suffering. Your child needs your engagement, compassion, and non-judgmental support to help them weather any of these roles.
