If only all of the things we worry about could be as concrete, and easily dispelled, as a mummy jumping out to startle us on Halloween. The fact is, a constant underlying current of worry and anxiety is an extremely common experience in modern life. And parents can easily have it worse than others, because we worry for our child's safety and well-being as well as our own. But there is some good news – anxiety is an emotion that we can learn to tolerate and manage, and a bit of acceptance and self-compassion can go a long way.
In coming to terms with fear and anxiety, it is important to understand the difference between the two:
Fear is a real-time reaction to a threat. For example, if your child is about to knock over a candle and burn themself, you feel fear. Your body releases hormones that help you spring into action as fast as you can, catch the candle, and move it away from your child. Fear is designed to help us respond to dangers and move out of harm's way.
Anxiety is a more diffuse, persistent feeling about perceived or potential threats. Your body releases stress hormones throughout the day, your breath may get shallow and your heart rate increase, even when you're not facing an imminent threat. Following the example above, if you worry your child will burn themselves any time they're around stoves or fireplaces or candles, this is an anxiety.
In our society, though present threats may be rare, anxiety is extremely common and caused by many compounding factors:
We have an individualistic culture, in which we often feel measured against and in competition with others
We're given messages not to ask for help or share vulnerabilities
Our society isn't great at accepting emotion as a natural part of human experience, so we are encouraged to avoid our feelings in many, many ways.
All of this can leave us alone and without tools to cope with our worry.
So we feel anxious in general, and on top of that parenting can add a new layer of triggers. Now, you are trying to do more, as you raise a human (or humans), often without extra resources or support. The stakes feel very high – ensuring that your child becomes happy, competent, economically stable adult. And yet we have only a small amount of control, of either our child's actions or what happens in a very complex world.
