Non-verbal Connection

Connection Tool

Our bodies react to stress and anxiety on pre-verbal level. Feelings of being threatened originate in our subconscious brain, and travel directly to the body, influencing heart rate, tension, digestion, and more – before our conscious mind even knows what’s happening. This is true for kids and adults, and it means that connecting deeply with your child is a great way to counteract stress – for both of you.

Because stress is pre-verbal, it's difficult to talk or think ourselves out of these feelings. What we can do, however, is counteract these preverbal stress signals with pre-verbal safety signals. A felt experience of genuine connection and attunement between a parent and child is a great "disconfirming experience” – meaning it disconfirms the feelings of stress, and helps allow our stress responses to calm down.

Nonverbal attunement between babies and mothers has been shown to be the foundation of healthy brain development, and even as adults we naturally and unconsciously align our nonverbal cues with others with whom we have or want to create a rapport.

HOW TO DO IT

Non-verbal connection is using all of your senses to pay attention and get on the same wavelength as your child. As humans we pick up much more information than we're aware of from non-verbal communication cues. Attuning to these means paying attention to things like body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and facial expression.

Every time you interact, make a habit of observing your child's non-verbal cues. Tune in to their:

Breathing – is it fast, slow, shallow, labored…?
Posture – how do they hold their body? shoulders? head?
Body language – is it open, closed, aggressive, present, flustered, headed somewhere else…?
Facial expression – what are the eyes saying, the mouth, the eyebrows…?

What is all of it saying about their energy and state of mind?

Also check in with your own body. What is it telling you?

Eye contact is perhaps the closest we can get to touching another person’s being. It makes us feel seen and connected.

Try to seek out your child's eyes frequently when communicating with them. Look with curiosity, love, and the availability to connect.

As a rule of thumb, maintain eye contact for 4-5 seconds before looking away. Then return to eye contact. Eye contact is particularly important when saying hello or goodbye, to seal your care and connection.

You may have to make a conscious effort to do this at first, but it will get more natural over time.

How you say something is as important as what you say. Your tone needs to match your stated intent. Studies have shown that if the words and the non-verbal signals don't match, kids are more likely to believe the non-verbal signals.

So, when validating or expressing empathy, if you say:

"I'm so sorry we have to leave now. I know that's really hard for you."

it has to be matched with a tone of genuine concern and facial expression that shows that you really get it. Otherwise, you will come off as insincere or even mocking, which never helps the situation!

Also keep tone in mind when setting limits or enforcing consequences. Your tone should always be warm and express empathy for your child's experience, even as you hold a limit they may not like.

For example, the following statement can be delivered with warmth and softness, and have an effective outcome of helping your child learn the rules and limits, while still feeling that you care. Or it would be delivered with anger or sarcasm, in which case they'd experience it as punishment and feel disconnected form you.

"There's no screentime now, because you haven't cleaned up your room. I'm sorry, but that's our family rule."

Our first love language is physical touch. As babies, touch tells us that we are safe and warm and loved. Your kiddo likely still needs a lot of physical touch. Hug and kiss them, snuggle them when you read or play, roughhouse with them.

You can also ask them how much physical affection they need. For example:

“How many kisses do you need to fill your love tank this morning?”

Whatever the answer, immediately and playfully give them that many kisses. Starting this practice now will pay off in years to come, as they may become more closed off to your physical affection but will still need it.

Also, pay attention to incidental touch. If your kiddo is not particularly huggy or snuggly, but comes over and stands next to you touching your arm, sustain that physical connection, only ending it when they move away.

While maintaining warmth and affection, it is always important to respect your child's boundaries and show them it's ok to say 'No' to any touch they don't like. Tickling especially can often become overwhelming for kids, as can roughhousing. Any time they say 'Stop' or indicate a boundary, in addition to stopping immediately, you can also reinforce their rights, such as:

"Ok, I stopped! Now I now that you don't like your hair ruffled that way, and I won't do it! You're the boss of your hair."

Moving in concert with other people also works to align our feelings and build feelings of connection. There are a lot of possible ways of physical attunement, such as mirroring, walking together (whether a stroll in your neighborhood or marching together like military units do), singing together, or doing yoga or dance moves in alignment.

Hold your body in a relaxed, open posture.

Sometimes just sitting or being together in the same space, with your energy and kind attention focused on your child is enough. This can allow your limbic systems to 'link up' and gradually feel warm and connected.