No Punishment

Connection Tool

Retaliation and punishment are deeply engrained in human history and culture. Punishment is a response from our lower brain's "fight" impulse, to reassert our power over something that has threatened us. When it comes to our kids, however, we need to overcome the impulse to punish, and instead first Connect, then Empower them to comply.

Why no punishment

Kids want to gain approval and love, and are generally doing the best they can. Chances are, if your child has done something that would lead to punishment, they are already dysregulated (in a lower brain, fight / flight / freeze mode). They may have made a mistake and are worried they'll be in trouble, or they may be overwhelmed and not have the resources to comply with your directions at the moment. Even when it seems they did something bad 'on purpose,' it is reflective of a deep feeling of disconnection, not being respected or valued, or a lack of empowerment and control.

While we can and should keep everybody safe and limit our kids' anti-social behaviors, there are several reasons to choose to bring your child back into connection, rather than to punish:

When we punish, we are also dysregulated and are modeling that it's ok to respond to others with force, anger, and escalation.
Feeling attacked by a parent makes children feel even more threatened and unsafe, and go deeper into lower brain modes (fight / flight / freeze). In this state, kids are not able to learn, connect, or grow their brain properly.
While they may comply in the moment to make the punishment stop, they won't genuinely feel sorry or want to make amends.
In the worst case, harsh punishment can also lead to disorganized attachment, wherein the parent who is supposed to be a haven from fear becomes a source of fear. Disorganized attachment contributes to many psychological problems throughout life.

Large amounts of research has confirmed that kids who grow up with harsh disciple turn out to be LESS able to regulate their own emotions, and consequently have poorer social skills and poorer academic achievement.

HOW TO DO IT

So punishment makes everybody feels worse in the moment, and leads to worse outcomes over time. What's the better alternative?

What to do instead: Connect and Empower

The first step is to recognize that no good happens when everybody is dysregulated.

The priority is to calm yourself, so that you are no longer sending threat signals to your own brain and to your child.
Then you can warmly connect with your child and empower them to better manage the situation. Bring them back into connection, using body language, eye contact, touch, and soft tone, until they feel safe, seen, and cared for – and their whole brain can come back online.
Once your child is functioning again, then work on empowering them to manage the situation, solve problems, and repair or make amends as necessary.

Try to make your default response a compassionate one - even when you are not yet calm yourself. Instead of leaping to blame or shame (such as:

"Oh no! Look what YOU DID!!"

or even worse, character-based blame, such as:

"What kind of person behaves that way? What is wrong with you??"

Make a commitment to always respond, even if you don't feel it, with compassion:

"I know you didn't mean for that to happen."

"Everybody makes mistakes."

"Ok - we'll figure this out."

"Its not an emergency."

"We're having a moment. We'll get through it."

"Ok, let's just take a breath."

If your child feels attacked, they have no choice but to dig in an escape or defend themselves. When you make it clear that your agenda is repair and problem-solving, rather than blame, they will feel safe, and be more able to take responsibility and help fix the situation.

While maintaining a warm and compassionate stance (we know this is HARD, but it can truly be the whole secret to dealing with problem behavior!), limit your child's problematic behavior.

"I'm know the cookies are yummy, but no more now."

"I can't let you hit or kick. That hurts."

"No grabbing, even though you want it."

"Quiet voices."

"It's time to clean up."

It may take a little while for your limit to sink in, and your child to turn the ship from what they want to do to what you are directing them to do. Try to be patient and hold the warm but firm expectation that they will comply.

Stay calm and warm
Don't raise your voice
Get close to your child
Use as few words as possible
Phrase things positively when possible

Your child's dsyregulated nervous system needs to tune in with you to connect and re-regulate. Focus on building the feeling of connection between you two, much of which happen non-verbally.

Observe their body language, posture and breathing
Make eye contact
Reach out through touch, whether a gentle hand on their back or an embrace. If your child rejects your touch, stay as close by as is comfortable for them. Try to keep a relaxed demeanor, showing that attitude that you'll both be ok
Breath together
Rock, pat, or do movements that you used to sooth them when they were babies
Let them cry, shake , struggle, or otherwise release their feelings. Try to be a gentle, compassionate container.
Give them time to move through their feelings

While non-verbal attunement is essential to co-regulating your child, simple verbal communication can help also.

Listen, Observe, Validate, Empathize (L.O.V.E.) Genuinely listening to your child's point of view. Let them know you hear them by validating their concerns. Express your empathy for the hard feelings they're having.

Say simple messages of safety and connection. Couple these with gentle voice, soft face, and caring touch.

"I'm sorry this is so hard. We'll figure it out."

"You're safe buddy. I'm right here with you."

"It's ok. We just need a minute."

Remind them of their strengths

"I see this is really hard right now. But you've been doing so well at using you words instead of your body. I know you can do that again."

This can be a game-changer with kids who are acting out aggressively, or are caught in a cycle of creating bad behavior, getting a bad response, and then repeating.

Try to put aside your anger and frustration and muster genuine curiosity and say:

"I know you must have a good reason for dumping sand on Bobby's head. Can you tell me what it is?"

"I know you have a good reason for being so angry right now. Can you tell me about it?"

If you are able to say this with good will, you may be very surprised by how much your child wants to share their good reason, and how doing so makes then feel seen, respected, and lets them get the big feelings off their chest.

"I dumped sand on Bobby because he always comes over and grabs toys from me, and nobody ever sees it or stops him! It's not fair!!"

"I'm so angry because I hate having a sister and we always have to what she wants and I have to give up so much!"

Validate and empathize as much as you can, and listen as they unload. Afterward, it's very common for your child to spontaneously get into a more cooperative mindset and want to make amends.

We don't recommend 'time-outs' in which children are banished to their room or some other place to cool down or think about what they did on their own. When kids misbehave, they are most often lacking connection, so the solution is to connect with them rather than make them feel more disconnected. Separation and banishment are very strong punishments for children, whose survival depends on connection with you. For this reason, time-outs may induce compliance, but it is out of fear and is unlikely to address the underlying causes of the bad behavior.

Instead, taking a 'time-in' with you, in which you go together to a space where they can regroup, can be helpful. Having a dedicate cozy corner or safe space can also work well.

"I see you're having a hard time and your body isn't safe right now. Let's take a breather over here for a minute."

"We need to separate so nobody gets hurt. I'm going go with you in to the other room."

"Consequence" means different things to different people. Sometimes it's simply another word for punishment or threat. When paired with "privileges" and engineered by you, it's the same old system of carrots and sticks that has been proven to decrease internal motivation for kids to want to comply with the behavior parents want. Used this way, consequences promote a disconnected, transactional, and adversarial relationship.

"If you pinch your sister one more time, you'll get a consequence! I'll cancel your playdate!"

"I'll revoke your privileges if you get in trouble in school one more time!"

In other cases however, "natural" or "logical" consequences that are a result of your child actions can be useful teachers. In these cases, you don't save your child from the natural results of their behavior, but you do need to empathize and support them with the feelings that come from facing their natural consequences. It's very important that you hold the limits or "consequences" with warmth and genuine empathy, and empower them to fix the problem.

For example:

"Ouch! that pinch looks like it really hurt your sister. That's not how we want treat each other. Come over here with me for a minute to take a breath."

"I'm so sorry we can't have TV yet because your homework isn't finished, and that's our rule. Is there any support you need with your homework?"

If you manage to help your child co-regulate and get into a better mental state, without blaming or shaming them, children often spontaneously want to repair and make amends for damage they have caused.

You'll be able to tell when they're ready to think about the other people in the scenario, and a simple observation about how they were affected is often enough to get them started. Let them come up with ideas for repair and execute themselves.

"It looked like Gabe's feelings were hurt by what you said. Do you want to try a do-over with him?"

"The castle Sam's worked really hard to build was destroyed. What do you think we could do about that?"

At a later time when everybody is calm and no longer agitated by the event, you can engage in problem solving around the issue. It can help to:

name the pattern
listen to their feelings
solicit their ideas

"It seems like we always have a hard time leaving the playground when it's time to pick up your sister. How do you think we could make that better?"

"I notice you get really upset when you're not winning a game. That is a hard feeling for almost everybody. I know Mr. Bear here doesn't like it either. What would you tell him to do?"

"I really don't like all the name-calling I'm hearing. It makes people feel bad to be called names. Can you think of any funny words we could yell out instead of names?"