As parents, it's our job to keep our kids safe. Ever since they were little, we applied sunscreen, buckled seat belts, and reminded them not to speak to strangers. But, as kids turn to adolescents, they need more room for trial and – yes – error. Confronting and overcoming challenges is how people grow their capability and self-confidence. They need to take some risks, at the right level, to test their wings and prepare to leave the nest.
Your job is a delicate balance, maintaining guardrails to keep your adolescent safe, while giving them to room they need to grow.
It is natural to want to protect our kids in every way we can – it is the deepest instinct of parents. The thing is, kids of all ages need a certain amount of risk and challenge for healthy development. Psychologist Heinz Kohut explained that the effect of too little challenge is the same as the effect of too much challenge. He called it "fundamental enfeeblement." Too little challenge leads kids to conclude on a deep level that they are not capable.
Teen brains are particularly geared for risk. Research has found that adolescent brains over-count the potential rewards of risky behavior, and under-count the potential costs. This may seem like a recipe for disaster, but this is the time when kids must leave the family nest, and nature has prepared them to be able to make that leap from safety into the big wide world.
Without enough support and guardrails from you and other adults, teens may turn to harmful risks. These are the typical ingredients of parental nightmares, including experimenting with drugs and alcohol; reckless driving; risky sexual behavior; thrill-seeking sports such as skateboarding, climbing etc; social risk-taking to impress peers; and legal risks such as shoplifting, vandalism, trespassing, etc.
For these reasons, providing teens with healthy challenges and risks, with adult guidance and support, is paramount. Undertaking risks that are challenging but doable, not only helps kids avoid unsafe risks. It also has very important benefits for teens, including:
perceiving that others trust them
learning to trust themselves
feeling competent in their own abilities and grow self-esteem
learning to tolerate some fear, persevere, problem solve, and learn
Keep in mind that even when things go "wrong," your adolescent can learn some of life's most valuable lessons, like how to be resilient and that they can handle a setback. Ultimately, kids who grapple with risks feel less anxious about the world and their place in it.
It's also worth noting, as a parent watching our child do something "risky," we may feel a lot of anxiety because we don't have control over it. Risk without control leads to stress and anxiety. Your child, however, does have control, and is learning to have more control through the activity. What they feel is the excitement and empowerment of pushing their growth edge. This different perspective is important to keep in mind.
