Do you know how special you are? Right now, just as you are, with all of your perfections and imperfections; finished an unfinished business; wins, losses, and works in progress. You are whole, lovable and worthy. You matter. Your presence makes things better.
All of this is true, but does it feel true to you? Self-love is a natural result of being treated as valuable and lovable as children. We work hard to help our kids develop self love, but the truth is that many of us didn't feel all the love that we deserved as children. The good news is that it's never too late to pour love into your own cup as an adult.
Self-love is a felt experience that you are valuable, likable, and worthy of affection. Just as you love your children when they're having bad days as much as good days, self-love is deep positive regard for yourself that is not dependent on external events. Self-love shows up in taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually; making sure your needs are met; setting appropriate boundaries; and treating yourself with kindness and self-compassion.
Self-love is a natural result of being treated as valuable and lovable as children. But unfortunately, there are a multitude of reasons we may not have been treated with all the love we deserved during childhood. Culturally there was much less sensitivity to the feelings of children; and if our parents or caregivers were struggling under the weight of their own issues, they may not have had enough attention and good feelings to share. And many of us were taught we have to wait for and earn love and approval from others, before we can approve of ourselves. When we didn't feel quite lovable enough as kids, it is common to try to make up for it by proxy – through achievement, gaining social approval, or acquiring things, for example – but these do not meet the core need for self-love.
The good news is that even if you didn't get enough eggs in the lovability basket as you were growing up, it is never too late to practice and increase your self-love. Research points to three powerful ways you can fill your love cup at any point in life:
First, practice acceptance with self-compassion. Accepting yourself and your life as you are now, instead of waiting to become perfect or get saved, is one of the keys to satisfaction and self-love. Acceptance is enabled by self-compassion, which means seeing your short-comings or failures with compassion, as you might support a good friend, and understanding that every human life has it's struggles. Self-compassion has been found to lead to better health decisions, less procrastination, and more resilience, among other benefits.
Secondly, recognize and esteem yourself for stable inherent qualities. While none of us is perfect (see acceptance), we all have strengths and can make positive impacts on the world around us. Instead of relying on approval, or comparison and being better than others to feel worthy, take inventory and give yourself kudos for your inner qualities and actions that you truly value. Maybe it's your poetic soul, your piercing insight, or your killer quiche – whatever your strengths are, savor them regularly.
Thirdly, invest in connections and relationships that support you and make you feel good. As social creatures, most of us feel boosted by social interactions, both deep and casual. When we can participate in relationships both accepting of who and where we are, and mindful of our strengths and what we offer (see above) so much the better. And, our relationships with or children can be one of the most nurturing of all – as they see us with love and seek attachment, and we're able to respond and meet their needs.
