It’s February, when love is in the air. Receiving love and affirmation from the outside feels wonderful, and children need to receive love from their parents regularly and in many forms. But it is ultimately even more powerful when kids can internalize a sense of being lovable and worthy. How you treat your child from these earliest years plants the seeds for their long term self-love.
Conveying your love to your kids in many ways is one of the essential (and rewarding) jobs of parents. Numerous studies have shown that parental love – specifically unconditional love and warm affection – conveys life-long benefits, including:
facilitating brain development
making children happier and less anxious throughout life
increased self-confidence
shielding them from the negative effects of others stressors in their life
You likely do loving things for your child many times a day, from making their lunch and soothing their upsets, to taking care of their needs and planning for their future. These things create an invaluable baseline of emotional security for them.
But, all your actions of care and love can fail to sink in and translate to an active sense of lovability, if they are undercut by:
Too many negative, critical, or shaming interactions. The Gottman Institute estimates that relationships need 5 positive interaction for very 1 negative one. Children are very sensitive, and everything from well-meaning constructive criticism to "playful" teasing can lead to a belief that "I'm no good."
A general lack of attention, attunement, or prioritizing your child over other things in your life. Not enough attention leads to the belief that "I'm nothing."
Conditional approval, based on high achievement or good behavior. Kids often learn to meet parents conditions and become high achievers, but are left with the anxious belief that "I'll be accepted as long as I'm good."
Children come to be believe they are lovable through experiencing your love for them. They need to consciously notice and appreciate the loving gestures that come their way. Positive interactions of enjoyment and affirmation, as well as deep bonding moments, release oxytocin in the brain leading to health and well-being for both parties.
Over time by experiencing these loving interactions, kids develop an internal narrative that says, “People often show me that they love me, and that makes sense because I am lovable and give love too. Even on bad days, I have loving connections.”
