It’s February, when love and valentines are in the air. Receiving love and affirmation from the outside feels wonderful, and adolescents crave this particularly strongly. They seek to build their identity and feel valued by peers, are often dealing with confusing new romantic feelings. But, love from the outside is a fickle master, and for true well-being over the years it is critical that people internalize a sense of being lovable and worthy. How does that happen?
Conveying your love to your kids in many ways is one of the essential (and rewarding) jobs of parents. Numerous studies have shown that parental love – specifically unconditional love and warm affection – conveys life-long benefits, including:
facilitating brain development
making children happier and less anxious throughout life
increased self-confidence
shielding them from the negative effects of others stressors in their life
You likely do loving things for your child many times a day, from making their lunch and soothing their upsets, to taking care of their needs and planning for their future. These things create an invaluable baseline of emotional security for them.
But, all your actions of care and love can fail to sink in and translate to an active sense of lovability, if they are undercut by:
Too many negative, critical, or shaming interactions. The Gottman Institute estimates that relationships need 5 positive interaction for very 1 negative one. Children are very sensitive, and everything from well-meaning constructive criticism to "playful" teasing can lead to a belief that "I'm no good."
A general lack of attention, attunement, or prioritizing your child over other things in your life. Not enough attention leads to the belief that "I'm nothing."
Conditional approval, based on high achievement or good behavior. Kids often learn to meet parents conditions and become high achievers, but are left with the anxious belief that "I'll be accepted as long as I'm good."
Adolescents are at a critical turning point for feeling lovable and worthy on the inside. Their quest to develop an identity all their own can be confusing, and it’s easy to become caught up in what their peers are doing - especially those perceived as “popular” - and seek outside validation that they are enough. With constant access to social media, it becomes too easy to compare themselves and their achievements to others - especially when those achievements are celebrated by other peers and the adults around them.
Adolescents still need to experience your love for them to build positive self-esteem and self-worth. Positive interactions of enjoyment and affirmation, as well as deep bonding moments, release oxytocin in the brain leading to health and well-being for both parties.
If they’ve experienced these loving interactions over time, adolescents have developed an inner narrative that says “People often show me that they love me, and that makes sense because I am lovable and give love too. Even on bad days, I have loving connections.”
Building on that narrative, teens who learn to value their core beliefs, self-compassion, help others, and focus on their own strengths rather than comparison to others will develop a strong, positive self-concept.
