As we approach Valentine’s day, love is in the air. As parents, we know how very very much you love your child. But… do they? Feeling deeply lovable is one of the core pillars of a happy and healthy self. But sometimes there's a mismatch between what we feel inside, how we express our love, and what our kids receive. Read on for ways to help ensure their 'love-tank' is deep and full.
"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
Feeling truly loved by a parent is a super-protector. It forms a core sense of oneself as "lovable," and this in turn colors everything throughout a person's life. People who feel confident in their lovability tend to build loving relationships throughout life, and recover from disappointments with a greater resilience, whereas people who didn't feel quite lovable enough often spend large amounts of effort trying make up for this.
Unfortunately, surveys reveal that many of us did not feel loved as children. As parents, we know that this must not be true – most parents love their kids profoundly. But what matters for the child's development is the child's sense of it.
A mismatch between parents’ feeling of loving and children’s feeling of being loved can happen for many reasons. Whereas parents often show their love by taking care of their and thinking about their future, kids feel love in much more immediate and non-verbal ways, including, touch, affection, play, emotional attunement, and (this is a really hard one for parents these days) undivided time and attention. Many of us parents were never shown these ways of being loved ourselves. And, given all the very real economic and practical demands on our time and energy, even if we know what to do, it is hard to always be there for our kids in the way that always make them feel like a priority.
Furthermore, by a young age, children may already have barriers against taking in love. When they don’t receive love and/or care in moments they need it, they learn to stop asking for it or to ask for it and then pretend they didn’t really want it. Sometimes, they may even push you away when they do need love and you are trying to give it!
Rest assured, however, that it is never too late to be more active about expressing your love, and whether it shows or not, your child always needs it.
Take a moment to think about your child.
When do you notice them really feeling loved and cared for? What seems to be their preferred 'love language'?
When might they dodge love from you, or feel unloved?
Try to stay flexible as you try different tacks. Pay attention to their response and see what works.
