Special Time

Connection Tool

Children need to feel genuinely connected to their caregivers. It is hardwired into them, given their vulnerability in the world without adults to keep them safe. They constantly scan their environment for connection with their adult, get very agitated when the adult disappears or stops paying attention, and make strong bids to regain connection. (These may look like badgering you while you’re on the phone or throwing a tantrum when the babysitter arrives – but they are bids for connection!)

Additionally, children often have little control over their situation day to day, from not having a choice over whether and where to go to school, to when they get their parents attention, to who else is in their family and thousands of other things. And on top of all that, they are frequently frustrated, as they seek to interact and do things in the world, and are at the bottom of so many learning curves – from learning to use the toilet, to learning to read, to learning to write a term paper.

Fortunately for all of us, Special Time is a great antidote to all these facts of life.

Often as parents we are so busy taking care of children, we forget to spend time being with them. In the midst of all our pressing obligations, from work deadlines to unwashed laundry, the idea of sitting down to color or play dinosaurs can seem like a distraction form what really needs to get done.

However, dedicating time just for our kiddos on a regular basis has very tangible and valuable benefits for your kids … and likely for you as well.

Special time bolsters their sense of mattering, boosts their confidence by letting them be the leader, and provides the opportunity for them to show you their inner world. It allows your child to trust you and feel your love. All of these things foster a sense of security in your child, and alleviate anxiety they would otherwise carry around. Even 15 minutes of your undivided attention, following your child’s lead in play, means the world to them. You will both feel more connected, and able to navigate the issues of daily life.

HOW TO DO IT

Special Time should be daily or as frequently as you can make it. Even doing it only on the weekends, if that's all you have time for, will be meaningful. Let your child know when they can expect Special Time, and be true to your word.

“Jane, I would really love to play with you right now, but I need to finish up work until 6. After that, I have reserved 15 minutes just for you! I can’t wait! Think about what game you’d like to play with me, ok?”

Set Special Time apart from the rest of your daily activities. First of all, set a timer. This is helpful by letting both of you know the parameters, and making the timer the bad guy at the end, instead of you. 15 minutes is a good amount, but if this feels like an eternity, start smaller and build up to it. Likewise, if you have more time, or if your child is going through a rough patch, increase the amount of Special Time, and it will surely be appreciated!

Additionally, make every effort to turn off your phone and give your undivided attention.

Let your child decide on the activity and lead the way. Let your kiddo know that they are in charge and that you'll do what they want, as long as it is safe and feasible. The only caveat is that we do not recommend any screen-based activities, as these decrease connection between the two of you. Other than that, try to go along with whatever scenarios or rules they make up, refrain from poo-pooing or negating their suggestions, and muster enthusiasm for your assigned role. If there is something usually off-limits, eg jumping on furniture, that you child wants to do, see if you can find a way to make it safe with your facilitation. Loosening the reins this way can be liberating for both of you.

Look for opportunities to notice and emphasize your child's strength, beauty, competence, and power. This is easy in any sort of imaginative play, where they can take on the role of a hero / princess / etc., and you can be a lesser being who a) is a bit bumbling and way less competent and suave than them and b) vocally admires and builds them up. Children spend so much time being at the bottom of the totem pole, that providing them a space to feel powerful and competent in fantasy is a great balm to their psyche.

In other games and activities, you can still find opportunities for this esteem boosting, such as announcing “Ok, you’re the master baking chef! I’m here to be your muffin sous-chef!” or “Whoa, I don’t know if I want to play Monopoly with you… I don’t know if I can handle losing again!!”

For this small amount of time, just focus on how delightful your child is – what a wonder of nature, divine drop of amazing being. All their annoyances or faults can wait 15 minutes, while just beam your love, approval and delight at them. The experience is magnificent for you both!

And finally, one thing to keep in mind: Special Time generates such a feeling of closeness and safety with you that sometimes it can result in your child feeling safe enough to let loose emotions that have been troubling them. This may look like crying or a tantrum, and can feel confusing or really frustrating to a parent who had just put effort into Special Time. If this happens, try to see it as a positive result of Special Time, and simply type: entry-hyperlink id: 4F9SARTFnmYYA84H4nTiV2 your child’s feelings. After Special Time and a good outburst, they will be feeling very much lighter.