People often talk about 'consent' in relation to permission for sexual activity, but in fact there are many different areas in which tweens and teens would do well to practice giving and receiving consent. Adolescence involves brand new sensations, desires, and freedoms, and a strong increase in the power of peer opinion. The more your teen can recognize what they truly do or don't want, and feel empowered to stand up for it, the better they will navigate this time.
Raising a teen who feels empowered to consent – or not – begins from a young age, and is strongly influenced by parents and caregivers. When you encourage your teen's body autonomy, and practice giving and getting consent for things in daily life, you teach them to expect (and to give) respect in all types of interactions.
Children learn from a young age that they are in charge of their bodies (or not), based on the choices they are permitted to make, the boundaries they're allowed to set, and how much these are respected by the people around them.
It is important to teach "body autonomy" – that your child is in charge of what is allowed to happen to their body – starting as early as possible. This is even more crucial during the teen years. Here are some reasons why:
Body autonomy will empower your teen in conversations about consent throughout their life. "Consent," as widely used, is an agreement between people to engage in sexual activity. The ability to consent – or withhold consent – to sexual activity begins with a feeling in childhood of having control over one's body, and the power to say yes or no to physical touch in general.
Body autonomy is sexual abuse prevention. Teens who feel body shame and don’t feel in charge of their bodies are more likely to targeted for sexual trespass and abuse.
Body autonomy and consent are also important to teach because they entail empowering relationships skills.
Consent is a relationship skill. Consent requires attunement and respect between two people, with each person able to say what they do and do not want, and respect each other's boundaries. These skills, and feeling empowered to use them, are the foundation of healthy relationships in many ways.
Consent is an ongoing conversation. Once given, it can be withdrawn, and teens need to know this. It requires staying attuned and continuing to pay attention to the signals of the other person. This is true when it comes to sexual contact. And it’s also the case in many other situations. Practicing in nonsexual situations helps prepare for when the stakes feel higher.
Consent means that sometimes friends and adults will be told, “no.” As a culture, we're not great at handling rejection, and many of us are socialized to never say "no." But being able to say and receive both yes and no is empowering.
Another part of being able to truly consent is feeling positive about one's own body. Children learn body positivity or body shame very early from the messages of adults around them. This is yet another reason to be mindful of how you speak about your child’s body, their body functions, and other people’s bodies or your own in front of them.
Kids of all ages also need loving touch from their parents as a deep and nonverbal way to connect. But nevertheless, your child should have the firm sense that they're in charge of what happens to their body, and that you seek and listen to their boundaries about physical touch.
Adolescence is a period of profound physical and emotional change, to the point where your child is having sensations, thoughts and desires that are brand new to them. The more they trust themselves to follow their own inner guidance rather than outside pressure, the better they can navigate this time.
