Transitions of all kinds are commonplace throughout life, and yet can be challenging for people at every age. Our kiddos feel them even more keenly, which is why bedtime, getting ready in the morning, and quitting play time are all prime times for power struggles and melt downs!
Transitions are hard because change comes with risk and uncertainly, which increases our anxiety. When small humans feel anxiety, they are programmed to seek out their "attachment figure" (a.k.a. parents). One of the best ways to help your child manage transitions is to spend some time reaffirming your connection. Read on for more.
Transitions are a current that runs through life – from waking up in the morning and getting out of the house, to starting a new grade or moving to a new town. And yet, for how frequent transitions are, they are still difficult for most people – even when they are to something fun or exciting. Transitions are especially hard for young kids because:
Youngsters are far more engaged in the moment than adults, and the part of the brain monitoring time and schedule is not yet developed. Stopping an activity in which they're engaged can feel extremely jarring.
Moving to something new represents some uncertainty and risk, which causes anxiety. Kids' mental models are also not as developed, so they cannot preconceive the next activity as well as adults.
There's often a power struggle involved, in which the parent is demanding that the child stop what they're doing and start something new. Feeling overpowered and directed doesn't feel good to any of us!
The first step to managing transitions well is to notice them and understand why they are actually a big deal. Here are the common kinds of transitions:
Small daily transitions. Waking and getting out of bed. Stopping play to come to the dinner table. Turning off the screen to do anything else. These types of transitions are common, so it can be surprising when kids get bent out of shape over them.
Developmental transitions. Your child's development drives many transitions. In fact, growing up is one transition after another, from learning to crawl or walk, to losing teeth, to big changes like growth spurts and puberty.
Seasonal transitions. Whether or not you notice them, the seasons are always changing, and with them come other changes like the start or end of the school year, seasonal activities, holidays, etc.
Milestone transitions. These are the big life milestones like "firsts" – first sleepover, first time driving (yikes), first job, first big move – and "lasts," like graduations. These transitions often feel positive but can still be stressful.
Big circumstance transitions. Life can be unpredictable and involve changes that we can't control or anticipate. Things like moving house, a parents' divorce, illness in the family, or a global pandemic can come along and shake the foundations we took for granted.
The next thing to understand about transitions is that in times of heightened uncertainly or threat, small humans (like other mammals, but not other non-mammal animals) are programmed to find their "attachment figure" (a.k.a. parents or primary caregiver) and seek safety with them. Therefore, affirming your connection and attachment with your child is the medicine for the transition, in and of itself. Feeling connected to you is likely to calm them more than other ways you might seek to problem-solve or strategize to manage the transition.
Fear not however, that supporting by providing connection will mean that your child will always be reliant on you or will never become "independent." The more positive experiences they have of making transitions successfully, and the more they develop their own mental models, the less they will need any scaffolding.
