As the saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell them about your plans." Humans crave a sense of predictability and control, but life throws us curveballs all the time. Kids have to manage derailed plans big and small – from not getting the breakfast cereal or toy they want, to having to change schools, or deal with even bigger losses. The ability to be flexible at these times and tolerate some uncertainly is an important step toward eventually rebounding. How can parents help our kids with these skills?
When our plans are dashed, whether by rain on the day of a big game or a global pandemic cancelling plans for months upon end, we feel a surge of disappointment.
This is because when we make plans toward one of our goals, the very act of planning convinces our mind that a goal is under control. Even though the goal isn't yet realized, planning creates a reference point in our minds of the goal being complete.
Adding to the weight of this expectation, anticipating a pleasurable event is often more pleasurable than the actual event itself. We imagine it in an idealized form that leaves out all the pesky details that can detract from the actual experience.
So after we make a plan, our mind is banking not only on the plan being achieved, but in its most perfect form – we're in the throws of the most seductive part of the experience. That idealized experience becomes our new expectation and baseline. If the plan then falls through, we experience it as a loss of this ideal state. And losses hurt – according to research, losses feel twice as painful as an equivalent gain (this is called 'loss aversion').
While adults have a certain amount of experience with disappointment and often guard ourselves by discounting of future plans ("We'll have to wait until we see what the weather is..."), kids often feel the disappointment of dashed plans particularly keenly.
The good news is, even though losses initially feel very painful, we actually rebound from them much more quickly than we expect. Read on for ways to process the loss and regain a sense of control and satisfaction with the revised state of affairs.
