Summer is here, and with the change in routine it's a great time to find ways to give your kids an invigorating amount of autonomy. The freedom to make decisions for oneself is not only one of the most fundamental human motivations, it is also essential for kids to develop capability and confidence.
Kids at every stage kids show the desire for autonomy, from babies grabbing at the feeding spoon, to teens grabbing the car keys. For parents this can produce anxiety – we know all that can wrong! But, research shows that it's best to loosen our grip. Autonomy supportive parenting has been found to increase kids' well-being in many ways. Read on for ways to support your child's age-appropriate autonomy.
Autonomy is the power to be an agent in one's own life, and make choices and decisions according to your own calculations and desires. According to Self-Determination Theory in psychology, Autonomy is one of three innate needs that are common to all people, which are inherently motivating and lead to growth, integrity, and well-being. (The other two innate needs are Connection and Competence, which we cover in many other Postcards and Tools.) It's important to note that Autonomy does not mean doing everything by yourself, for yourself – pro-social activities are great autonomous choices to make.
Decades of research has backed up this theory, showing that, across cultures, increasing an individual's choices and control increases their motivation for a task or subject, as well as their wellbeing and satisfaction. Conversely, external control, such as lack of choice, deadlines, and even external rewards for compliance, all decrease an individual's inherent motivation and satisfaction.
But what does this mean in parenting? After all, it is also your job to keep your kids safe, and teach them from your experience and values. Kids should have age-appropriate amounts of control over areas of:
Personal choice and expression, such as clothing
, hairstyles, room decor, backpack, notebook embellishment, etc.
Leisure time, interests, and intellectual exploration, including friendships
, leisure activities at home,
organized extra-curricular activities, music, books, and podcasts
.
They should also have increasing amounts of practice and responsibility in areas that will help them function and be successful in the world, including:
Personal care and maintenance, eg. household chores, meal prep, grocery shopping, personal hygiene, basic first aid.
Financial management and time management.
Social manners and emotional regulation.
Navigating their surrounding area
At the end of the day, a parent's job is to raise autonomous adults. The only true way to learn is by doing.
