We all know how valuable good friends are. Childhood friends are companions and co-conspirators, who play, explore, learn and grow together. At every age, friends are not just nice-to-have; friends are essential for our mental health. And, the social skills that enable friendships tend to make people more successful in school and work as well.
While forming friendships is an innate impulse, it involves a lot of complex skills that don't always come naturally. Instead of leaving it up to chance, support your child in practicing essential relationship skills.
Friendships are so important to us because, evolutionarily, forming bonds with others and being able to work together to solve problems is what has enabled humans to thrive. Because friends have been essential for survival, we are wired to seek and need them, and research shows that the quality of our friendships impacts our mental health.
For kids, friendships can improve mood in the moment, and are good for self-esteem in the long run. They help kids feel that they belong and that people care about them. Friendships also help children practice important life skills, such as getting along with others, negotiating, and cooperation. And, friends enhance young people’s experience of school — helping with the work and making school more fun.
Friendships develop organically in a variety of ways that are all ok. Sometimes kids seem to just find each other and become fast friends – children as young as toddlers can form special attachments with each other. Other times, relationships that start out as competitive can grow into good friendships. Some children are more extroverted, while others are slower-to-warm. And, some kids have a few, close friendships, while others gravitate toward larger groups. It’s best to attune to your child, validate their experience, and support their interests.
No matter your child’s tendencies, it pays to be proactive and help them learn the fundamentals of friendship. Encourage and model the following essential skills of friendship as they grow:
Self-awareness. The first relationship your child has is with their very own self. Asking your child to reflect on their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions builds their reflective functioning—the ability to understand themselves.
Emotional intelligence (EQ). All the reflection that builds self-awareness also improves your child’s EQ—the ability to recognize, understand, and name their emotions.
Self-regulation. Most young children don’t even begin to self-regulate—to manage their emotional responses and behavior—until they are around 4 ½ years old. They need the adults in their lives to help them learn how through modeling self-regulation and appropriate behavior.
Empathy. Researcher and social worker Brené Brown says that empathy is: “feeling with people.” Children must first understand themselves as separate from others and then have attained some basic EQ to be able to pull off empathy. The capacity for this grows over time the more your child is on the receiving end of empathy.
Communication. Speaking and listening are parts of communication, but the goal is to get to understanding. To be understood, there may need to be back and forth checking-in or clarifying questions asked to avoid miscommunication.
Patience. What if we considered patience a skill that needed to be practiced and learned? When parents and caregivers bring validation and empathy to times it’s challenging for a child to practice patience, they build capacity and resilience.
Sharing. This vital ability cannot be forced. Allowing children to genuinely care enough to share—of their own accord—takes time. Adults can model it and point out the good feelings and social benefits that comes with sharing.
Compromise. If only we could always come to a win-win solution! Instead, we can teach growing people to approach conflict with an aim for a solution that everyone will like, but that it might be necessary to compromise a little from time to time.
In friendships, children are practicing social interactions with people outside their family. Early friendships may be the beginnings of lifelong relationships, but remember that throughout childhood and even into adolescence, children still need to be getting their fundamental attachment needs met within their family. Peers don't yet have the emotional maturity and social competence to provide the deep love and acceptance that we all need.
