When you have spooky thoughts about your child

Sometimes the things our children do can trigger deeper fears in us than the scariest of Halloween movies. From, “Ohmigosh, he hates doing homework, is he ever going to develop a good work ethic?” to “She lied to me and snuck a candy. Will she be doing that with drugs when she’s a teen?” it’s easy for our observations to spiral into fear-based visions of the future.

While it's your job to be aware of danger signs, rest assured that normal development will take care of most of these rough edges. You, and all the responsible and socially adjusted adults you know, also likely displayed these types of behaviors as kids, and managed to grow out of them! Read on for ways to put your fears into perspective.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Monitoring our children’s traits and behavior and being on the lookout for danger signals is part of parenting. It's our job, after all, to help create a good future for them.

Yet, often times we worry unnecessarily, as normal development will take care of many of the rough edges we see. Childhood is the messy process of trying out new things all the time, using bodies and brains that are not fully formed and still changing rapidly. Different parts develop at different rates, and it's all learning to work together!

In fact, human babies are born underdeveloped, compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, specifically so they can be shaped by their environment, and learn what behaviors and skills are most effective in their social context. This is called socializing, and you and your child are in the midst of this long project – in which trial and error is a major teacher.

Given all of this, one of the greatest favors we can do, for our kids and ourselves, is to allow them space to get things wrong and go through awkward phases without panicking.

Very often, the things about our child that trigger us the most point to unresolved fears and other feelings in us. In order alleviate your own anxiety and avoid passing the same hot buttons on to the next generation, approach your fears with a three-pronged approach including:

Challenging your own automatic thoughts
Getting support with your feelings
Supporting your child in your area of concern

Occasionally, of course, there is a genuine problem. If you have sustained worries about your child in a particular area, consult with your pediatrician, school counselor, or a mental health professional.