Talking about the tough stuff

Whether it's the ongoing pandemic, the realities of racial injustice, uncertainty of the upcoming school year, or something more local, the world these days is supplying a lot of difficult material. In addition to processing your own feelings, parents face tough decisions about how much to share with your kids, and how to talk it about it.

Especially when issues touch our own fears and unsolved issues, we may not know how to go there with our kids. But, when you are able to open up about the hard stuff, you help your kids feel safer, increase your bond, and show them a model for navigating life's hard topics. Read on for ways to approach the conversations.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

As a parent it's natural to want to shield your child from all the sad and painful realities of the world for as long as possible. And it is true that too much exposure, too soon or improperly supported, can leave kids with lasting trauma. But the opposite is also true - pretending that things are fine when they're not (particularly when you are affected personally) can be detrimental as well. Your child picks up danger signals, from you or things they overhear, and if you gloss over or deny what's really going on, they can begin to doubt their perception and interpretation of the world, and live with an underlying anxiety.

Furthermore, suppressed worries find unconscious ways to come out, for both of you. For parents, suppressing stress has been shown to decrease closeness in interactions with their kids. And anxiety in kids can result in things like trouble sleeping, falling performance at school, or disruptive or risky behavior.

Instead of shutting out reality, your child needs your help processing and making sense out of scary and sad things in age-appropriate ways. As with all "shadow" parts of life, the best thing to do is to accept them, create a safe space to process them together, and seek to integrate them with meaning in your overall narrative.

This approach also has relational benefits. Your children learn that it's safe to come to you with questions and concerns, no matter what the topic. They learn that life has hard parts, but they can be resilient. And you become further bonded by going through the journey together.