There are plenty of times when it is important to hold space for your child’s upsets and uncomfortable emotions. Listening and validating their feelings is usually the first thing to do when a tough situation comes up. But, it can also be helpful for them think about the situation differently. Research has shown that reframing, or reappraising, a situation can help lessen a variety of "negative" emotions, including disappointment, jealousy, grief, and anger.
While this sounds great, it can be trickier than it sounds to get the balance right between emotional release and cognitive strategies. Read on for ways to navigate this dance.
“Don’t believe everything you think.” - Zen saying
Reframing, sometimes called reappraisal, is the process of noticing and questioning your initial thoughts and assumptions about an experience – especially ones that lead to "negative" feelings like anger, jealously, or hopelessness – to ask if they are actually accurate or the whole story. As one paper from Harvard University notes, “thoughts are not facts.”
To be clear, what is recommended here is NOT to put a quick kibosh on upset feelings or negative thoughts. Hard feelings often have important information for us, and research tells us that ignoring or trying to "get rid" of them can actually make them harder to shift. Instead, the goal of reframing is to go ahead and have your feelings about whatever the problem is, and then face the story or thought directly, assess it honestly, and intentionally focus on a more helpful perspective or narrative.
But first, what kind of behavior and thought patterns are we looking to reframe? Here are some patterns to watch for:
Always/never binary thinking. This extreme language leads to hopelessness, whereas more accurate language can point to path forward. Instead of “I will never understand math,” try, “I don’t understand this unit on fractions, yet.”
Worst-case scenarios. Catastrophic thinking, or “what if-ing,” can contribute to anxiety and make kids reluctant to try new things. “What if I don’t find a friend at camp?” “What if I don’t like my teacher?”
Perseverating on the problem. Otherwise known as "dwelling" on a negative thought or idea.
Commitment to a fixed mindset. When kids believe their capabilities are fixed, it can lead to insecurity and the avoidance of new opportunities or challenges.
Inability to move past disappointment. Like sticky thoughts, sometimes your child can get stuck in disappointment. If you hear them saying, “It’s not fair!” a lot, they may need support to not perceive every letdown as a huge injustice.
Moving away from believing your own thoughts is hard, but here are three strategies psychologists have identified that can help make them a bit less sticky.
Cognitive distancing. Getting some space between you and the scenarios causing you worry has been shown to reduce stress and negative feelings – for example by describing the events as if you were an outside observer, or as if they are already in the past.
Examining the evidence. This strategy entails actively questioning the 'facts' that have led to your conclusion, or trying to find other facts that could support a different one. “Is it really true that...?” “Can I find evidence for the counter argument?”
Positive reframing. Once you’ve gotten some distance and checked the facts, then you can look for the upside, silver lining, or other positive take-away.
The specific mechanics of reframing is likely out of reach for most school-aged children, but you can ask questions to prompt them through some of the process. Also model it out loud yourself. Like so many other things, positive thinking habits are "caught, not taught."
