In the tween and teen years, your child will encounter more adults than ever before, many of them in a position of authority. Every teacher, coach, or group leader has their own personality, level of warmth, and way of managing the classroom or team. In middle and high school, your child changes activities frequently throughout the day, so the rules and personalities change frequently as well. The quality of these relationships matters a lot. While your child will connect more with some adults and less with others, kids feel better, and do better, when they feel liked and seen by the person in charge.
Teenagers are impulsive, reactive, and risk takers - with good reason. The emotional part of their brains is more developed than the prefrontal cortex, which won’t be fully formed until their mid-twenties. This is the part of the brain that regulates thinking - so it’s no wonder the emotions seem to be in charge.
Accepting authority from others requires a great deal of self-regulation. The hope is that teens have learned to regulate themselves socially and relate to other people, including authority figures. This ability helps build rich and productive social and working relationships throughout life. In fact, people who display social competence in childhood have been found to have greater long-term well-being, including higher education attainment and better paying jobs.
Adolescence is a time where teens are naturally resistant to authority. They’re navigating social situations and discovering who they are in the context of the larger world. They may be questioning many aspects of their own identity and struggling to be who they want to be, not who others (both peers and adults) want them to be.
Like all children, tweens and teens operate best within a structure of warm and legitimate authority, both at home and in the wider social world. Let's break this down:
Warm – Your child needs to feel seen, liked, and valued as an individual, not just for doing well or being "good." They need to feel that adults' overall care and esteem for them is bigger than any mistake or infraction.
Legitimate – Children accept limits set or demands made by authority figures when they are perceived to be in the interests of safety, well-being and treating others well. "Legitimacy" may also depend on the jurisdiction of each adult. So they might accept feedback on homework from a teacher more readily than from a parent, but might balk at a teacher trying to regulate their social habits. And, kids also frequently perceive matters of personal choice – such as hair style, dress, friends, and leisure pursuits – to be outside legitimate authority.
Authority – Even if they push against it, adolescents still need a caring adult be the "grownup in the room." Kids' anxiety goes up when the adults around them do not have authority, because on some level kids know they're not ready to manage things. This can be particularly important in the adolescent years, as the amount of personal authority shifts. They’re ready for more control not all of the control over their own lives.
In the classroom, teachers are the authority figures. Your child wants to feel seen, valued and liked by their teachers, and that those teachers are exercising authority with their wellbeing in mind. Kids who feel seen and connected to their teacher are more likely to behave well and do well at their work.
When children have issues with a teacher or rules at school, it is usually the case that warmth and positive regard are missing from the relationship, and it has turned into a power struggle about getting a child to behave or submit to the rules.
As a parent, it's a good idea to do what you can to help support the relationship between your tween/teen and their teacher, but you don’t want to overstep. At this age, teaching them how to build that relationship on their own is critical.
