Relationships are dynamic experiences of attunement – or lack thereof – between two people. Even the most harmonious of relationships ebb and flow between periods of connection and disconnection. You've likely experienced this with your kiddo. And, all relationships at times experience ruptures or conflict, from differing wants and priorities, unmet needs, or hurt feelings.
When this happens, it's important to know how to practice relationship repair. Unresolved ruptures can get lodged in children's emotional memory, but the process of repair can actually bring you closer. And, by practicing relationship repair at home will give your child a good model to take with them into the world, and use throughout their lives.
Research has revealed over the past couple of decades how important healthy relationships are for people's sense of wellbeing and ability to thrive in the world. Relationships are fundamentally about attunement between people, whether it's a casual attunement over rooting for the same sports team, or a deep friendship with a reliable sense of being seen, accepted, and in sync.
And, the relationship between parent and child is perhaps the most critical, because the level of attunement with a child's primary caregivers can have lasting impact on their brain development, as well as the relationship models they carry on throughout life.
We are not designed to be cocooned in connection all the time, however. Healthy relationships go through cycles of connection, disconnection, and reconnection – such as when you connect with your child in the morning before school, then spend the day apart, then reconnect at home to recharge at the end of the day. And, all relationships also suffer more serious ruptures, when one or both people feels intensely hurt, angry, shamed, etc.
Any time intense emotional distress is triggered between you and you child, it’s very important to engage in a repair process as soon as possible, after you’ve cooled down. This is because instinctively your child looks to you, as their caregiver and “attachment figure”, for safety and soothing. If you are ever the one causing them to feel afraid or ashamed, their internal sense-making system becomes confused. The one they look to for safety is causing fear, and it is inherently disorienting. If this happens consistently over time, it interferes with optimal brain development and can produce serious mental health issues.
The good news is that repair is a beneficial process in itself. It teaches your child that things don’t always go harmoniously, but that people can make amends and feel connected and good again. Repair helps your child learn to trust that they don't always have to be perfect, they can disagree, resist, and show their feelings, and they will still be loved, valued and worth reconnecting with. All of this builds self-worth and resilience.
If you practice repair at home, you may be surprised how quickly your child learns the process, and utilizes it when they hurt a family member or friend. Read on for several good strategies.