As we've discussed, knowing and acting from values helps people make better decisions, feel more confident in them, be more clear and compassionate in communication, activate grit and perseverance, and even make better health choices.
But as kids grow up, they sometimes behave in ways that go against your values, and it's easy to worry that they'll go astray. How do we best help kids develop good values, without being heavy handed (and possibly counter-productive)?
Values are what we truly find important in life. The more that our values are aligned with our actions, the better we feel and more clearly we operate and advocate for ourselves throughout life.
We all have values in different realms, including: personal (e.g. health, knowledge, independence); social (respect, fairness); relationships (friendship, family, community); and material things (money, toys). The things we value are what we're inherently motivated to prioritize – where we spend our time, money and energy.
Although we feel our values to be deeply personal, in fact, they are highly influenced by our social environments. Children observe what the people around them say and do, how it seems to work out for them, and how others react. Children develop values based on:
The values you model (what you do is more important than what you say)
How you discuss values you observe in the world and in stories you read and watch
The values modeled and taught by your child's school, peers and activities, such as sports teams etc.
When trying to foster genuine, heart-felt values in your child, there are some common parenting tactics that are counter-productive. These include shaming them for lapses in behavior or judgement, or withholding your approval or rewards until they 'prove' that they can be measure up. Keeping sight of your child's goodness is the best way to help them live up to it.
Whether you feel it or not, you have a significant impact on your child’s values throughout their whole childhood. Research shows that the stronger your relationship with your child, the more they adopt and filter the rest of the world through values they learn from you. And, when kids have high self-esteem and feel their 'love-tanks' are full from home, they choose friends with better values, and are more able to resist negative peer pressure.
