Support Autonomy

Empowerment Tool

People, even little ones, have an innate desire to feel control over them selves and their environments. Giving children control of age-appropriate tasks accomplishes several things:

Gives them practice at making choices, doing tasks, and experiencing the natural consequences
Builds feelings of competence and pride
Makes them more likely to go along with your authority in other areas

HOW TO DO IT

As your child grows, the scope of their control should expand as well.

Many things in the life of children are outside of their control - from their daily schedule, to the demands of school and family, to the actions of other people. Faced with that reality, small experience where they can choose and and control can be extremely helpful antidotes.

Try to let your child make choices when possible. These choices can be big – what kind of camp they go to, or small – what they want to wear today. As children grow, the areas of choice should expand with their growing capability. A greater sense of control and ownership breeds pride and motivation to make it a positive experience. They will feel like agents in their own lives instead of passive participants.

One caveat is that studies have demonstrated that a little choice is empowering, but too much choice overwhelmed. So a few option (say 2-5 depending) generally makes us feel good, while more lead to decision paralysis and *less* satisfaction with our choice.

Research has shown that kids across cultures will accept what they consider to be legitimate authority, but not accept others' authority over areas they consider to be personal choice. Try to let your child exercise their own authority in areas of personal choice, including things like hairstyle, dress, leisure activities, and friends, for several reasons:

This is how they learn to make decisions and experience the natural consequences of those choices
These choices help develop their identities
Feeling authority over these areas also helps them accept external authority in other areas
Demonstrate your respect for them and avoid unnecessary power struggles

When there are gray areas – for example, you feel formal dress is required at a family occasion to respect your elder family members, or you believe a friend of theirs is not a good influence – use these as opportunities to explain your view and listen to theirs and come up with a solution together.

For the same reasons, also help your child find areas where they can exert personal choice in the school setting – for example decorating their notebook, choosing what books to read, or choosing their extra-curricular activities.

When we use language such as “be careful,” we are conveying that we feel anxious about what is happening, and we want our children to take care of our anxiety by stopping their exploration. We are also conveying that we don’t trust them to keep themselves safe, and likely increase their anxiety as well.

Instead of “be careful,” you could say:

“I’m here if you need me.”

Or simply narrate what they are doing in a way that promotes awareness of their body in space as well as pride in their accomplishments. For example:

“You are jumping from rock to rock. Wow, those two were far away, and you were able to land the jump.”

In situations in which you believe there is physical danger, the narration could also include questions, such as:

“Do you notice that the next rock looks more slippery than the last one?”

Alternatively, to promote problem solving, you could ask:

“What’s your plan for that rock that looks really slippery?”

Look for opportunities to notice and emphasize your child's strength, beauty, competence, and power. This is easy in any sort of imaginative play, where they can take on the role of a hero / princess / etc., and you can be a lesser being who a) is a bit bumbling and way less competent and suave than them and b) vocally admires and builds them up. Children spend so much time being at the bottom of the totem pole, that providing them a space to feel powerful and competent in fantasy is a great balm to their psyche.

In other games and activities, you can still find opportunities for this esteem boosting, such as announcing “Ok, you’re the master baking chef! I’m here to be your muffin sous-chef!” or “Whoa, I don’t know if I want to play Monopoly with you… I don’t know if I can handle losing again!!”

Let your child play in nature that is not manicured or over-controlled. Slowly incorporate “scarier” elements as you and your child are able to tolerate them. Children benefit from experimenting with heights, playing around and in various types of water, and even getting lost in nature.

Healthy attachment involves a child leaving the safe harbor of the parent for increasing times and distances, and coming back to you again for affirmation and comfort. Look for opportunities where you can give them wider leeway and more "free range," while being available when they want to come back for reassurance.

Often our children are capable of doing more than they actually do. Everybody gets used to how much parents do when kids are little, and we can forget to re-calibrate and test what they can do as they mature. Do try to keep giving them new areas of responsibility as they grow, but also provide the coaching to help them be successful. Nobody knows how to to it the first time!

Helpful techniques when teaching a new activity or routine:

Go over the sequence of events together. Ask them to list everything, then you can help augment and order (working on stick notes works well).
Note who will do what, at what time. Allow them to volunteer for something new - say making breakfast or feeing the cat.
If they're taking on a new task, playfully over-teach what the task looks like. For example, you could ask them to oversee you brushing your teeth and purposely make mistakes, such as only brush your top teeth or forget toothpaste, etc. Try to combine technical coaching with play and connection.
Make a drawn or photographic timeline of the new activity / routine. Let your child do the schedule as much as possible, celebrate the awesome schedule they make, and then hang it in a visible place to refer to as you go through your days.

One of the most common and accessible ways to teach kids about the power and responsibility of money is through a regular allowance. Having their own money is also an important early opportunity for autonomy and control. Trusting your child with control of some money, and supporting them with skills to manage it, empowers them and grows capability. Children learn important lessons and skills children learn through managing money, including:

Numeracy and math skills, from counting and arithmetic to more complex calculations and budgeting skills.
Executive function skills
Delay of gratification, a.k.a. saving up for something important
Organization and planning skills
Tolerating mistakes (and even failure). Making and learning from money mistakes now will have fewer consequences than later in your child's life.

Some general tips to set everybody up for success with an allowance:

Explain why it is important to practice managing money. Talk about practical reasons (financial stability) and value-based reasons. For example, what are your values around giving, saving, and splurging?
Pick an amount you can afford and give it on a regular basis. This allows your child to practice budgeting their income.
Be clear about what they need to use their own money to pay for. Is is just for “extras,” will they need to budget for their own clothes, or other necessities?
Be clear about any responsibilities they need to complete for the payment. The research is conflicting on whether allowance should be tied to chores. Some say that it helps children stay accountable for chores, and is like a salary. Others say that paying for chores decreases the sense that they should pitch in and help without payment. This is a personal decision for your family to make. Do avoid paying for grades or schoolwork, however, as this has been shown to decrease inherent motivation.

Around the house encourage your child to perform tasks at the growth end of their (or perhaps your!) comfort zone. For example:

Letting your child experiment with cooking knives (or anything sharp) may seem like a bad idea, but with the proper structure, kids in early elementary school can use knives and other tools effectively. With knives, teach your child safe practices (making sure that they have space away from others, making sure they are cutting away from their own fingers) and let them try cutting different textured foods with a variety of knives. And remember, while it may be tempting to give them duller knives, sharp knives are usually safer.
You can also engage in similar processes with hammers, screw drivers, hand saws, etc. Your child will feel competent and like they are contributing to the family if they help make dinner or put together the new bookcase.

Out in the world, instead of being the intermediary between your child and other people, scaffold their ability to talk to others.

Start small with having them order their own dinner when you go out to a restaurant. Work your way up to having them approach store clerks to ask a question or purchase something without you by their side.

(Note that this shift may take additional language changes to implement. For example, the term “stranger danger” promotes anxiety and is overly general – it does not help your child assess who might be safe and who might not be. Instead, we suggest talking to them about “tricky people.” A tricky person is an unknown adult who is asking for help from a child or who is offering a child something desirable (candy, a toy) to do something in return. Tricky people is a useful concept, because it focuses on the behavior of adults, not how they look or other potential preconceived notions of danger.)

With some of these things you can cede control and let them have at it. With others, you need to give some coaching at the beginning, and be prepared to clean up messes or have something turn out not the way you would have done it. When discussing the outcomes of something your child has controlled, make sure to ask for their evaluation first, before you add your evaluation and suggestions.