Often, and frequently with good intentions, adults seek to dictate to children what their experience should be. "Don't be angry honey." "Don't be silly, your teacher is very nice." "You can't be hungry - we just ate!" Though seemingly innocuous and completely common, interactions like these are all examples of invalidation – telling a child to ignore or suppress their own perceptions and experience, and instead display behavior that is more convenient, or makes more sense to the adult.
Adults may do this with the best of intentions, such as the desire to teach the child to have a better attitude or be less sensitive to the small inconveniences of life. And likely, many adults also did not get the empathy and validation they needed as children, so were not shown how to do it.
Unfortunately, invalidation teaches children not to trust their own instincts, and to look to the outside for direction and approval. It robs them of their "inner compass." And, the impulses that they're told are wrong don't go away, they just go underground, and show up later in covert or repressed ways.
When we instead are able to validate and empathize with a child's experience, we teach the child to trust us more, and most importantly, to trust their own instincts more. They learn that the signals they are getting from their own brain and body are valuable.
Furthermore, validation and empathy usually work out better for adults as well. We may fear that validating our child's experience means that we approve of it, or are required fix or alleviate it. But in fact, listening, accepting, and empathizing with their experience is usually more effective that suppression, and all that is necessary in the moment.
In the moment, attuning to and validating a child begins to calm them down. Without validation, they may not understand that we've heard them, and stay in fight/flight mode, desperate to be understood. But once they know they're understood, they can move away from that state of danger and urgency and back into a safer, calmer mental state. This process teaches them that they are taken seriously and that you can handle their feelings without bringing your own feelings and needs to the situation.
The cherry on top is that you avoid a power struggle and work can together as a team - to discuss the issue and find a consensus. Instead of resistance between you, you can feel aligned and in empathy with your child.
It can be difficult to get into a space of attunement and validation with your child, particularly if you do not have spaces in which people are attuning to and validating you. In the moment, taking a deep breath. Try to remember that your child is simply communicating that something is feeling bad to them – not trying to inconvenience you or manipulate you.
Not in the moment, find aways to get your own feelings listened to and validated - perhaps sharing with your partner, talking with other parents, or seeking other spaces in which your voice is heard. Check out the type: entry-hyperlink id: 75MERHiXbiXlVQTLxY8p1b section for more practices.
