Listening

Connection Tool

Parenting involves teaching our kids about the world, and we spend a lot of time telling them things - from what they should eat, to when they have to be at school, to how they can treat their sister, and why the sky is blue.

However, genuine connection with our kids starts with listening to them. Listening lets them know they matter and gives us the precious opportunity to know who they are.

HOW TO DO IT

Here are some ways you can make a practice of listening and learning about their world during the regular routines of everyday. With all of these, it is important to put your pressing thoughts on hold, phones away, and really focus on your child.

When you’re communicating with your kiddo, take time to tune into their demeanor, their body language, their breath, their feelings. Get down to their level and make eye contact. A sense of “feeling felt” helps your child know they matter to you, and open up about the thoughts and feelings they are having.

Playing with your child at whatever they want (see Special Time) can be another active way to listen. Often they aren’t able to tell you directly what is on their minds, but by paying attention to the themes they bring up in play, you’ll get a sense of it.

The “rose” is a metaphor for something they liked that happened that day, and the “thorn” for something that was challenging or they didn’t like. Asking about a rose and thorn at the end of an experience, like a school day or sleepover, is more specific than the generic “How was your day?” and gives your kiddo something concrete to recall. It facilitates some processing of the raw material of their experience, and also normalizes the fact that most human experiences contain both positive and negative aspects. Importantly, discussing roses and thorns neither pressures your child to always be happy and report only good things, nor allows them to only focus on the negative.

Ask them to tell you about a picture they have made, a fort they have built, or a game they are playing. Listen attentively and ask open ended questions: Why did they do that? what does that feel like? what do they like most about it?

If you seem to be not getting each other or your child is frustrated that you’re not understanding their point of view, try a sincere, “Help me understand how you see this.” This lets them you know you care, want to hear their viewpoint, and are trying.

When your child does something off-track – whether it be hitting a sibling, breaking something, or disobeying a rule – they have a reason. Even when we can't condone the behavior, we can usually empathize with the reason.

Maybe they hit because the sibling taunted them. They broke a toy because their teacher made them feel really bad. They disobeyed because a rule seemed really really unfair. Again, even when the behavior is not good, our kids usually have a good reason behind it.

After doing something "bad" kids are usually feeling even worse than before, certain that they will be punished and ostracized. Asking about their "good reason" is a way to soften their defenses and let then know that you're on their side and trust in their goodness no matter what.

It can be very hard for parents to ask about a "good reason" for behavior that makes us very mad, but if you can do it with sincerity you may be surprised at how quickly the situation turns around, and may be inspired to do things like apologize and make amends!

When you child does share something, get in the habit of responding in ways that encourage further sharing. Repeating what your child says is a good way to let them know you’ve heard them, and allows you to process without opining or responding right away. It also encourages your child to keep going and express more about it. “Oh - there were some mean girls in your group yesterday?” “You don’t want to go to school today, huh?”

Similar to repeating what they say, you can reflect back a summary of what you are hearing. “Ouch, that really stinks when people are mean to us!” “Those are some big feelings you have about your teacher!”

As much as possible, do this without arguing with your child, or minimizing their experience, or leaping to advice. If you want your child to keep sharing, try *not* to say things like, “Oh, it’s nothing sweetie. Just ignore them!” or “Of course you don’t mean that - she’s a great teacher! You just have to be more careful with your work, and it will all be fine.” There will be time for problem-solving and self-reflection later, but kids (and all people) can’t process those things before they have felt heard and validated.

Equally, regularly look for and reflect back all excitement, pride and happiness that you see. This can be obvious with big milestones (“OH MY GOSH, you DID it!! Look at how you rode the bike all by yourself!! How does that feel?!”) to smaller daily things (“You look like you’re having so much FUN with those toys!”)

Reflecting back your child’s genuine moments of pride and joy encourages their own values and send of goodness, competency, and satisfaction, amplifying their self-esteem and ability to be self-directed later in life.

During tantrums or moments of upset, listening is incredibly important. The presence of a caring, supportive listener helps your kiddo unpack and release the bad feelings. You don’t have to say much - occasional utterances of reassurance and love are enough.

Depending on the circumstance, you may be rewarded for the support you are giving with some choice insults and invective directed at you by your child. Try not to take this personally or let is get under your skin and make you defensive or angry (See type: entry-hyperlink id: 1kCN1Dax7imvIcRYlm2Sy1). A good response is an empathetic, “I see you’re feeling really badly. I’m so sorry,” which may elicit another burst of fury, but soon enough the storm will be over.

If you child is in danger of hurting themself, you, or anybody else, intervene as calmly as possible to hold them if necessary and keep everybody unharmed. Stick with their experience for as long as they do (and as long as time will allow), and your calm presence will remind your child that the world is safe on the other side of their upset.

Kids naturally want to do well and gain the approval of others. If they're not doing well or seem unmotivated, look for the obstacles that may be getting in the way.

It could be something technical (for example at school, they need glasses, a better spot for homework, a way to organize their assignments). Or it could be emotional (they're struggling with a subject and feel inadequate, their teacher seems judgmental, they're preoccupied with big emotions about something else, or they're bored or not getting enough time to do what *they* want). Or it could have to do with executive functioning and energy (they need a snack, or to do homework earlier in the day).

Approach your child with curiosity and seek non-judgmentally to figure out what's getting in the way. You could try drawing out a journey map of their day or their process around homework, and spot together where the pitfalls lie. Validate their reality around this and empathize with their feelings, and then problem solve together.

Apart from improving the issue at hand, this will build your connection and trust together!