Gratitude

Empowerment Tool

Gratitude has many benefits. It has been proven to make people healthier, both psychologically and physically, while also improving interpersonal connection. (1) The work of Dr. Robert Emmons has shown that people with consistent gratitude practices experience less pain, sleep better, and live approximately seven years longer than average. They also experience emotional benefits, such as increased love, happiness, optimism, and enthusiasm and decreased stress and quicker recovery from stressful situations. Interpersonally, they are able to build mutually beneficial, reciprocal relationships, as they are kinder and more generous.

Despite all these benefits, studies have shown that children are not naturally grateful. In fact, if all is going reasonably well in a child's life, they expect others to be kind to them and do not seem to give the kindness a second thought. On the other hand, if someone is mean to them, those people stand out, and children will expend energy trying to get back at them. In certain circumstances, we could see how this would be advantageous – the child sends a clear message that they will not tolerate being treated badly, and sets a boundary against that behavior. However, it is even more advantageous to be able to focus on those who have been kind, as this leads to enhanced relationships, and to all the additional benefits that gratitude has been proven to impart. And, so, we need to teach children gratitude.

HOW TO DO IT

Making gratitude a part of daily life is the best way to feel its benefits.

Children gradually adopt and enact the behavior that is modeled around them. Expressing your own gratitude regularly will teach them, over time, to do this also. (A side benefit is that it will make you feel better right now!) Take some time to think about the things your child does, says, and is that elicit gratitude in you—from how they snuggle to how they smell after a bath to the sound of their laughter to the ways they are growing bigger, stronger, and more independent. Then, make a point of expressing your gratitude to them, saying things such as,

"Thank you so much for that hug. I love your kindness and warmth."

Or, "I really appreciate that you helped clean up after dinner. You were so thorough wiping off the table."

Or simply, "I'm grateful that we got to spend so much time together today. I love your company."

See if this practice helps you notice and verbalize even more wonderful things about your kiddo than you were previously aware of.

Regularly recording your gratitudes creates tangible depiction of gratitude with and for your child.

You could do this by writing what you're grateful for about your child on slips of paper and collecting them in a jar, or by creating a gratitude book or making a gratitude tree out of construction paper with each leaf depicting something your grateful for about your child.
You can do this and share your gratitudes with them, and invite them to add ones as well.
Occasionally go through the notes together, and savor all the things for which you are grateful.

Try playing a gratitude game, such as going through the alphabet and coming up with one thing they are grateful for that starts with each letter.

Or try the silver-lining game. Think of stinky things, and try to find the silver lining. You can get sill with this one, as in "the silver lining of homework is that... I get to crumple it up when I'm done!"

Gratitude infuses us with good feelings, and sharing that gratitude only increases the good feelings – for us and for the people with whom we share it. Help your child make an inventory of ways they might show gratitude. Include as many ways as you both can think of, including verbal ways (speaking to someone or writing a thank you note), nonverbal ways (through eye-contact and being an active listener), and physical ways (through hugs or pats on the back, as well as gifts and actions).

Say, "Thank you for...!" regularly and with enthusiasm, to people throughout the day.
Ask your child to write a note, draw a picture, or make a craft to give to a person for whom they are grateful.
Find ways they can contribute time, skill, and effort to things they are grateful for, such as helping to weed the garden, if they express gratitude for the vegetables grown there.
And, talk to your child about the money you donate to different causes that are important to you. Ask them what causes they would donate to and why. Consider ways they could raise money for those causes, or, if they get an allowance, consider allocating a percentage of their allowance for charitable giving.

In order to feel gratitude, your child first has to be able to notice their internal and bodily sensations and their external reality. Here are some ways to help them slow down and learn to focus on the present moment.

A body scan is a simple check-in with their body. Teach your child to start with the head and move down the body (or start with the toes and move up the body), taking slow deep breaths and noticing without judgment how each part of their body feels.
Conscious breathing is our primary tool for regulating our bodies. Try using breathing techniques synchronized to hand motions or a breathing buddy. A breathing buddy is a small toy or stuffed animal that your child puts on their stomach, as they lie on their back and breathe. They can notice how their breathing buddy rises and falls with the breath.
Use a mindfulness glitter bottle or jar. Have your child shake up a container with glitter and water in it, and watch the glitter swirl around and then fall to the bottom.
Checking in with the 5 senses is a good way to become aware of external reality. Ask your child to use one sense at a time, each for a minute or two. Have them close their eyes and tune into all the sounds they hear, telling you what they hear. Then what they can smell, what things they sense through touch, eg a hard chair or a cool breeze. Have them open the eyes last of all, and ask them to describe what they see.

Forced gratitude should not be used to suppress or mask feelings of disappointment or anger. If those come up, they need to be heard and validated. However, a regular practice of looking for gratitude will have a profound effect on brightening a child's worldview and coping abilities.