When your child goes to school, they are learning more than the subjects taught. They are also learning about themselves as a learner, and forming a sense of their own capability. Can I figure things out? What are my strengths and weaknesses? How do I compare with my peers, and do I feel good about my abilities?
We want our children to self-assess and have a reality-based view of their strengths and weaknesses. And, it is also very important for them to feel successful and to foster a positive sense of capability. The belief that "I am capable," is one of the two pillars of a resilient self. You can help build capability and confidence in their ability to learn by giving them 'right-sized challenges.' Read on for more.
Academics are a central pillar of value in our culture, and a lot of time throughout childhood is devoted to school. Generally, your child will feel better about themselves if they feel good about the way they engage with academics.
However, kids can have vastly different experiences of school, based on the way their minds work and their previous experiences in school. Some kids generally like school, because it's a place where they feel capable and good about themselves. Others might rather be doing something more 'fun,' but can find a place for themselves and enjoy the social aspect. A third group of kids find it very difficult to operate within the structures of school and meet the challenges. Consequently, they frequently feel unsuccessful – school is not an overall rewarding experience for them.
Children build an internal feeling of competence by taking on, and ultimately surmounting, tasks that are challenging. One of your jobs as a parent is to help provide an environment that is the "right level" of challenging. In general this means:
Letting your child grapple with challenges, rather than removing obstacles or bulldozing through them yourself
Providing extra structure or scaffolding when they need it
Being there to help them unload their tough feelings of frustration, disappointment, or fear of failure
Maintaining hope and confidence that they will figure it out
Celebrating their effort, their wins, and helping to frame a narrative of perseverance and capability
Because school is a core part of children's lives, it's important to pay attention to your child's temperament and abilities, and work with their teacher and school to keep in a challenging-but-doable zone. Every child deserves an environment where they feel seen and valued no matter what, and have the right level of challenge and structure for their needs.
