The bitter feelings that arise from failure and disappointment are some of the most difficult for our children – and all people – to deal with. How do we help them with feelings such as loss, anger, and embarrassment when, say, they are the weak link on the soccer team, don't make the school play, or get a bad grade on a math assessment? They may have a natural impulse to run and hide and never do that thing again, so they don't have to feel those truly painful feelings.
A better option is to help them feel their feelings, and then practice a growth mindset. (watch video)
An essential – and wonderful – part of childhood is trying new things and learning from experience. When we reach our goals, we feel positive emotions like elation and pride. But trying new things inevitably also carries risk of disappointment and failure, which bring up hard feelings like sadness, anger, and shame.
When kids are relatively secure, they can feel the pain of failure, but bounce back to a general state of feeling lovable, connected, and competent. But if their sense of self is fragile, they will either deflect the bad feelings of failure by blaming others; or take them on too much and wallow.
These unpleasant feelings, if not acknowledged and processed, can start to lead to playing it ‘safe’ and avoiding situations that might trigger them – often without even being consciously aware of it. So a child may avoid sports because one coach was critical, or may not raise their hand in class after being embarrassed by a wrong answer. This avoidance can be masked as perfectionism (going to extraordinary lengths to never fail), or a stance of not caring. Over time all of these approaches limit kids' options and explorations.
Because of the limiting effect of the feelings associated with disappointment and failure, its important to counter them by acknowledging and processing negative experiences your child has. Afterward, you can help encourage a growth mindset. (Note that jumping straight to platitudes about a growth mindset will not help much, and may create more stress, until the underlying bad feelings are acknowledged.)
A growth mindset, as defined by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, is the belief that one’s skills and abilities are not fixed, but instead will grow with effort and practice. This core belief leads to a very helpful approach to life:
seeking challenges and persisting until you’ve figured it out
learning and doing for it’s own sake, rather than for impressive results
valuing effort as the path to mastery
valuing negative feedback in order to learn
being inspired by the success of others
People with a growth mindset enjoy work and learning more, are more authentic, and are more resilient in the face of life’s inevitable disappointments and failures. Early criticism, or even the wrong kind of praise, can lead kids toward a fixed mindset. In fact, Dweck showed that even by the age of four, children may exhibit either a fixed or growth mindset.
For all these reasons, try to make a growth mindset the default M.O. in your household, and it will serve your child throughout life.
