High Expectations

Empowerment Tool

Numerous studies have found that students' achievement rises when parents and teachers have high expectations for them. In fact, parental involvement in kids' education has been found to be the most influential factor in increasing student achievement, regardless of 'intelligence.'

Additionally, completing difficult tasks is a primary way that kids build self-esteem. Overcoming uncertainty and frustration to achieve challenging goals leads to feelings of self-worth and the confidence that they can it again. Conversely, when expectations are lowered so as not to make kids ‘feel bad,’ the message they get is that they're not competent enough to do it.

However, before you pull out your drill sergeant whistle, there are a couple of caveats.

Firstly, though high expectations boost achievement, unrealistically high aspirations coming from the outside damage achievement (as well as self-esteem). Your child will feel like they're trying to please you, but it's never going to be possible.

Secondly, mental health suffers when there’s too much pressure. Anxiety and depression, and parallel issues such as sleep issues and substance abuse, have risen dramatically among teens, and surveys and studies show that academic pressure is a big part of the reason.

The bottom line is that kids benefit from being pushed to develop their talents and interests, with some extra encouragement to keep at it when it seems tough or un-fun. But they suffer when pressured to reach outcomes that are unrealistic or which they themselves are not genuinely interested in. And they should always feel loved for their innate selves, independent of their performance in school, sports, or any other arena.

HOW TO DO IT

The combination of a warm, attuned emotional relationship with high expectations based on your values has been shown to be a magic combination for youth achievement. High expectations without warmth – a genuine feeling from the child that you love them deeply and have their best interests at heart – leads to a brittle, self-punishing perfectionism... or rebellion. Lots of warmth without high expectations can lead to anxiety, and a child not equipped for the hard parts of life.

Encourage a practice of reflection and introspection with your child, and look for goals to come from your child's own insights. For young kids this may be very simple, but will become deeper and more complex as kids mature.

"A new school year! what do you feel excited about learning?"

"I know you want to make the school orchestra. How much do you think you'll need to practice each day to do that?"

Good expectations are clear, focused on things your child can control, and within their realm of capability if they stretch. For example:

"I expect you to focus on reading for 20 minutes every day." (Not, "I expect you to be the top reader in your class.")

Additionally, if you can explain why in terms that matter to your child, you'll get more buy-in.

"I know you're going to love being able to read to yourself all the great books out there. You've made so much progress already. Soon you'll be able to tackle Harry Potter!"

Use your child's own interests to guide the expectations you set. While you may sometimes have to push them to try something new, like a sport or instrument, give them say in which one.

"I expect you to make a serious effort to learn an instrument. That means 15 minutes of practice every day. It's a difficult skill, so it might not feel fun at first, but I guarantee it will enrich your life if you stick with it. Which one are you drawn to?"

After a reflecting and listing a variety of potential goals, help your child choose one or two top goals to focus on first. Well formulated goals have several characteristics that make them more likely to be achieved:

Meaningful and relevant, representing growth that your child genuinely wants – not goals they’ve been told they ‘should’ achieve
Challenging, but attainable. (When goals are too easy, they send the message that a child can’t do more. When they’re too hard, they send that message that a child isn’t good enough. See High Expectations)
About process and progress; inputs that you can control, not achievement
Specific
Measurable
Time scheduled

(You may have heard the acronym SMART to capture some of these qualities: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-scheduled.)

For example, instead of setting a goal like this:

“I want to do better English this year”

A more actionable goal would be formulated like this:

“To improve my reading, I want to read Harry Potter on my own by the end of the year.”

This goal is specific, meaningful, self-chosen, challenging but doable, measurable, and time-scheduled. And it is likely to lead to a great grade in English class anyway!

As you encourage your child to try and practice new things, do so from a Growth Mindset. This means praising their effort and hard work, helping them feel good about the process of learning or honing a new skill, and celebrating progress along the way.

Also think about framing your expectations around the character traits you feel are important to accomplish what they want in life, instead of specific goals. So instead of talking about how your child is going to be a CEO or world cup soccer player, you could set your expectations around them being a hard worker, a curious learner, and genuinely invested in helping others.

"I expect you to make a genuine effort."

"I expect you to try to work with the other kids on your team."

Adding "because" also helps them understand why:

"I expect you to try to make it work with the other kids on your team, because everybody has different strengths."

Model a family culture with a moderate amount of supportive structure. This means:

planning ahead, so that you all get to do this things you want to do
making plans realistic and achievable
putting in place the systems and processes to support your plans
being flexible and problem-solving when unforeseen 'bumps' arise
following through on the plans and commitments you make
if a plan needs to change, communicate to all who will be impacted in a prompt and compassionate way

When kids learn to create and follow structure in their daily lives growing up, they are more able to create the structure for themselves to help achieve their own goals when they're older.

A light amount of parental monitoring is good for child outcomes. This can be a delicate balance:

You do need to provide space for your child to have autonomy, try things their own way, and even make mistakes or fail.
It's also good for them to know that you are paying attention, you care, you're there for emotional support but not to save them the effort.

Likewise, when giving feedback:

you want to note the effort and progress they're making, and celebrate their milestones
while also not making them feel overly-evaluated, criticized, or even overly praised (which can also be undermining!)

It's a tricky balance that you won't always get right. But your empathic attunement to your child is what will help you get it right enough of the time, and correct and repair when you don't.

If an expectation is appropriately challenging, it will sometimes feel hard. Try to reframe the "Uncomfort Zone" as the good news! We all know from experience that uncertainly and frustration and being bad at something feel yucky, and your child will express those feelings (possibly in anger) and sometimes want to stop.

Your role as the parent is listen, empathize, and normalize what they're feeling. Also point out their progress and victories so far, and remind them of why they're doing it.

If something seems too hard, use your best judgement about changing or modifying the expectation. But do try to let your child experience both the discomfort of reaching for something big, and the joy of achieving it.

The best evidence to your child that they'll be able to overcome a challenge is all the challenges they have already overcome. When they are facing something new, remind them of their strengths, and all the similar challenges they have surmounted before.